Self Work

 My emotional eruption brought a great deal of exploration into how I feel. My mind wandered over my past more than I wanted it to. The discomfort of my CPAP mask was more than I could take last night. Normally, I was able to settle into rest. Last night I longed for a deep comfort. Thinking about what comfort meant to me, safety, a place to dream. This is actually something I have been scarce of my entire life. I started thinking about why this was. I have always felt like a burden, why is this? Because I was treated like that since I was born.

My memories of living at home never felt safe. I was preyed upon in every environment. Even in shelters and foster homes I was told "we are doing you a favor by letting you LIVE here." When I was homeless and had to live with family or friends, this was the same response. Even when I was paying rent. This was contributing to the building feelings of unworthiness. They were better, I was less, thank you for letting me live here and please don't abuse me. My house, my rules - obey, be controlled, you are lesser. As an adult and feeling incapable of doing all the things necessary to live safely, again, I felt lesser and it came out sideways. 

When I was really young, I had a fuzzy blanket I would crawl under and play with my dolls. I didn't want my dolls to be afraid of being attacked, so we all went into my cave of comfort. It was there that my tiny glamour gals were at peace and felt safe to explore activities. I had to guard them, keep them safe. Running from one safe house to another, I lost much of the things I loved. Including all my books burned by my step mother claiming I was a witch. The beatings and shame that followed led me away from that environment twice. The final beating when I was trying to be alone in the bathroom of a roach and rot filled trailer, trying to type on my typewriter. My step mother encouraged my biological father to pull me out and beat me for isolating myself. That was the last time I lived with them. That horrific event has haunted me in so many ways. That was 10th grade. This theme in my life has continued because of the deep wounds. 

Being shunned in a home life, at school, by society, being treated like disposable garbage has done a deep number on my self esteem. When, as an adult, I began to explore the safety of being myself, I was attacked again. I was labeled crazy, eccentric and severely mentally disturbed. The fight to explore myself in safety has been a life long journey. This is the anger that arises when people say "Be yourself!" I have needed to understand how I received the injuries in order to try to heal them. This became evident with my lack of safety within this world. And was echoed with the latest events of me trying to actually get understanding on these things and feeling like I was not being heard and not the importance of the my visit. Hair color and office gossip was more pressing. I believe my anger is justified. Anyone is welcome to stand the fuck up and defend it. I'm waiting. 

It is with all this disgust that I have walked away from everything in my life, with the exception of things I enjoy. Things I enjoy, I don't require approval, especially from people who have done little to no work to even begin to understand what it means to be living in this space here on earth. Sex, money, control and greed rule their lives. That isn't part of my want for this experience. I am in the minority. The intense feelings I have to push out this anger and make people feel the shame they have put on others sometimes overrides my rational and compassionate thought. 

I had been trying to subdue my anger, my intense emotion so to be balanced and rational. In denying this and shutting it down, I also limited myself and my own feelings. I keep saying the unhealed can't heal, because I am unhealed, yet people are coming to me for advice. Why? Why is I am so fucking unhealed and this train wreck? I have been pushed to deny myself by the outer world, not by my inner world and that has created an abundance of anger in recognizing the hypocrisy. The newbies to new age or deeper thought tell me, "You are projecting." I think I have the ability to recognize when I might need deeper exploration. I would like to ask, what have you explored inwardly to these people. 

Many of us feel as if evil has won and it is disheartening. They would be content with raping and having orgies in the town square on piles of money, rolling in their greed and filth. Then getting up from their acts of disgust and ordering the people around them to lessen themselves if they want to be this evil. In fact, you would need to wouldn't you? I would. I could never participate in this system that has facilitated this horror, I was forced to before. But now, fuck you. I should at least be able to be sovereign over my body, right? Not according to the politics of our world. We are slaves to their system. I'd rather grow in knowledge and health, politely now, fuck off. 

In removing myself from participating as little as possible in this system and to explore myself and injuries has been difficult. It has taken a great deal of anguish to realize I have been pleading for a safe place to land my body. When I land my body in a space to heal, I then have to defend against all the outward attacks. Easy, phone off. I am left with the feelings of why I still feel lesser than, unworthy and why I haven't been completely able to love myself unconditionally. Well, no fucking wonder when I have been told my "Self" is wrong, creating this split. I have every right to be enraged. I remind myself that it is for me to be a better person, because shining a light outward only got me attacked. Religion is a joke, education here is a joke, our government is a joke, our communities are a joke, our structure is a joke, yet we are all asked to participate and disregard our feelings of internal conflict regarding what is outward around us. That is called control and brainwashing. 

For the people who want to wake up, they are so used to pushing the button of instant gratification that they want to be spoon fed instant spirituality. Spirituality is in the work, understanding yourself, then your place in the vast expanse. Pondering if there is greater, how do I participate in great? Do the work you have criticized me for. How? I am asked, start looking at what you are participating in every day and the choices you are making. That seems impossible apparently. This led me to saying, "I can't get in your meat sack and do it for you." And I won't. I have absolutely no want to extend that help outward as of now. I need to conserve my energy for my self work.