Self Reflection
Whilst throwing some nuts back, hastily, this morning I was reminded of a recent Always Sunny episode. Mac, was allergic to nuts, but kept eating them. I then thought about my eyes and the itching and swelling. When is the last time it happened? What are the connections? Nuts? What was now ruled out? Makeup, Camels, cats with pollen paws ... Time to eliminate the jug o' nuts.
The Big Bang tv show is legitimately funny to me, in many ways. For years, I wouldn't watch it because it was my mom's favorite show at the time and we were always watching it in the hospital. It took me a bit to come around to it and not associate it with my mom, but the resonance was still there. I found my identity reflection in the character of Sheldon in so many, many, horribly many ways. That was the rub, my mother adored him, but not me? Why did I think that? Because that energy was wrapped into one of the times my mother struck me very hard.
I have been told I am over sensitive my entire life. The extremes of this has made me shut down the connection with my body. My body has been mirrored to me as a vessel I am traveling in, like my car. I am not taking care of my car, I know that. The new battery is working wonders however. I need washer fluid, tires need rotating ... It hasn't been my main focus. It never has. But, I felt like I was constantly responding to assaults to it and given conflicted resolutions. I see the sting of hypocrisy within this unresolved issue right in this instance. There is an episode where Sheldon is spraying disinfectant in the air, while covering his face with his shirt. It is so funny it is a meme. A very relatable one, especially for me. Here is where the buried injury dwells.
We hadn't lived long on Cypress before I left home for the first time. I was in about 6th or 7th grade, making the years about 1986/1987. There had many, many lessons prior where it was made absolutely clear my needs were not first for anyone, nor should they be for myself. Hypocrisy strike one with golden rule "Know Thyself". There were many more to follow that, but within reflecting, I have found the root of this one. My step-dad (pops) was in his new house, outside of the projects with his own yard and grill. It wasn't long before all his "friends" came piling into the yard, day after day, night after night. Unsavory kinds, lurking and creeping. It wasn't long before my mom put down strict NO HOUSE ENTRY rules. So it was seldom that it was a major problem, except for when it was.
There was a very smelly man wandering through the kitchen, out of no where. I was repulsed by his smell. I grabbed the can of disinfectant and started spraying. My mother slapped me with a vengeance and apologized profusely to this smelly intruder. Those kinds of memories are the ones that I had internalized as not being worthy. Now, decades later, we were watching a sitcom she absolutely loves, laughing at a character so much like me, that I wasn't fully getting why I was angry about it for so long.
Last year, after starting with a new therapist, I was a bit defensive going in. One red flag was all I needed. I gradually eased into safety and trust and was able to reveal a lot about me, quietly, which was very hard for me. I revealed I secretly wanted contracts with everyone so I knew exactly the terms and conditions of the relationship. She laughed and said, "You can't ask everyone you meet to sign an energy contract!" Why not? Sheldon's contracts have long made sense to me. And here was another instance that it was okay for him, but not me. Why?
These seemingly small instances compiled into a programming that I was deprogramming. The hypocrisy has shown me where the faulty root areas are. The moments when I registered this information and what conflicted with it. When it continued to compound and build resentment. That resentment was rooted in anger, shame and fear. Deep down, at the core, fear I was different because I was being shown one thing, but knew in my heart another. I was being told to be myself, but conform. I reconciled some of this to karma, yin and yang and living in a dualistic 2d world. It was bothering me so much that last night, I was still vibrating with frustration at myself. The deeper I explored these feelings, I needed to objectify them and create a concept to contemplate on. I have these objects in a space I created in my mind to observe. And when I get lost in this space, I have to return to the home ship and ground.
Freedom for me means living my life on my terms. I have found flexibility within rigidity. I don't need to hand everyone a contract, just need to create one for myself. I need to set my own boundaries, define my terms and evaluate my conditions. I no longer want to be an open ended energy resource being drained from both ends, while slowing depleting, loosing my own precious energy. I have a freedom and right to explore living my life on my terms. What were my terms? Have I even defined them for myself? That would need to be the first step. Defining the goal, pinning the map, writing down the terms.
My second round on Levin's Art of Change journal, I got caught up on week 1, and haven't budged. Why? I realized that I am not clear on my own vision for myself. There are areas of truthfulness I am still excavating. I have had to battle my own ignorant opinions and concede. I totally admit my complete ignorance of so much. I want to work on this. So I created this space to begin to define what I want and don't want in it. I can evaluate every aspect. As I have worked toward this mastering of my space, I have had to do a great deal of self reflection. I have had to reconcile my own hypocrisies. I still have wounds I am tending to. But, I need to tend to them in a safe, controlled environment. At least to the best of my ability.
I created my space, my ship, my station to house myself and my traveling machine. I identified myself and my space within this house and who I share this Sacred ship with. How do I master this space, this time, this energy? It's been a slow peeling away of the layers even within the categories. Breaking down the concept of what is me seemed overwhelming. How to even start? Mapping. I return to mapping from my center point. Grounding, home base, where am I on the map? Deconstructing what Body, Mind and Spirit mean to me. What being in this space is revealing to me. This is where it is essential to me to be able to define for myself what is most optimal for me and my space?
I am the captain of me and the co-pilot in this home ship. What are my terms and conditions for each?