Perception Inception

 I was Marco Polo-ing my dearest Amy, knowing she has been hot on the same trail as me, exploring all the rabbit holes. I heard the doorbell and thought, MY NEW Book is here! It was my neighbor, asking if Derek needed any help with my car. I assured her, as he so assured me, he had it. She asked if he was my son and I replied, as I have so many times, "No, that is my boyfriend." Complete shock came over her face and then embarrassment. She quickly apologized and I knew she meant no ill intent. I had done this recently to another woman, in complete blindness. I have a bit of a time seeing people, but judge more their energy. But, so harsh on myself. I had just been in deep exploration of other revelations this morning when this occurred. 

My neighbor then learned me and her were the same age, but my boyfriend, Derek, was about ten years younger than me. Admittedly, he looks much younger than his age. She kept congratulating me on "getting him." It was strange at first, and I was trying to process that when I responded, "We met in college, we've been together 20 years." I don't think she heard that, because she is hearing impaired. When she congratulated me again, I felt a sting. No malice on her part, she was pure innocence. It was a sharp realization that this was a defining factor, outwardly, regarding relationships. Very much "in the body" and about appearances. I had to think about all this and process it. 

I am not defined by my relationships. I am not defined by my job title, I am not defined by my looks. The very thing we keep preaching as a society, yet, I had just detailed myself in my comic book having to start in the same way. It is good for evaluation. I gained insight into why relationships don't function well, especially if you just meet someone and move in with them and start intertwining finances. This is what actually happened with us, but in a much more difficult way. However, the age difference has always been an issue outwardly. 

Inwardly, we aligned in the beginning. I was very clear about what I wanted and didn't want. Why? Because I knew myself. I KNEW, as I have ALWAYS KNOWN, what I wanted out of life. And it absolutely was NOT aligning with what other's wanted for me. If I didn't give a fuck what my mother thought, someone I deeply love, revere and daily search to understand, I am certainly not going to care what anyone else thinks. If I ever gave into that, my world would be horribly different right now. That led me around to my choices and the reality I created. 

Derek and I agreed we did not want children. We agreed we both loved animals and would devote time to loving them (our babies.) We both agreed religion was used as a tool to control society. We were both artists. He pursued me, not the other way around. Several times, he pursued me. I had known teenage love, Tommy, Jeff are really the only ones that come to mind. But, I had the feelings of longing for someone outside of me. And I got hurt. I survived and noted that I had far less attraction to people as my friends around me. Though I did have a couple of times of feeling obsessed with thought by someone. There was no mutual alignment with them however. My daughter's inability to get over a guy who is trashing her life is reflecting a lot of my mom's life to me. I'm not sure anyone knows what a healthy relationship is, especially if we look at them as some sort of accessory to our life. 

As I worked through my comic book pages this morning, trying to pull my ideas together, I came to a deeper thought regarding Body, Mind and Spirit. These are the things I was sharing on Marco Polo when the doorbell rang. It was equal to a book, maybe better, it was life reflection and a response to my need for deeper understanding. Choosing relationships, co-pilots IN YOUR SHIP, is more than choosing an accessory that will look good on your arm to impress those around you, whose opinions benefit you in no sort of way, whatsoever. In all actuality, the power has now been bestowed to them, outside of yourself as they give you the message of approval. It is a path to lead you, once again, away from the path of self reflection and being aware of self before marriage and certainly before creating life. 

There is so much to be explored here, and that makes my heart raceride. Trying to wrestle all these concepts down, into words, then simplify even more so with the comic book, has been more challenging than I anticipated. But, ENGAGING.