Organizing Self

 I have completed my daily check sheet to create space and keep me on track. I am on day two and have yet to complete the entire list. I am daily missing movement. I have the spaces open and I am working on what to fill this space with. I have Work, Creative and Movement. Three aspects of daily life. My intent is to start yoga and stretching again, and walk/explore when I can. Work is dedicated to Patreon again. I am working on creating digital downloads to sell there. There is such a resistance every time I open my laptop. The feeling is resentment and exhaustion. This leaves Creativity.

I have spent 20 years graphically designing. I have worked many places where I held a creative title and was told it would be creative work, and it flat wasn't. When I decided I wanted to create things in my heart, I opened an Etsy account. That was anything but bliss. I am still dealing with anger from how I was treated in my ten + years span on there. I am finding that same resentment and exhaustion in my chest when I open my laptop. It isn't the excitement for creating like it used to be. Even after closing Etsy, because I am being harassed on Zazzle now. My resistance is not wanting to have put all my energy into customer service. And right now, everything I am attaching to the idea of work, has that lingering resentment I am tackling. My creativity has to be somewhere outside of this.

My TikTok videos are probably the greatest expressions I can give. They are an expression of me, my art. Can I just share my art for those who like it to view, and those who don't, just don't and move along? I am tired of constant requests from outside people who don't respect my art. It has been so obvious to me how much I have been fighting for creative expression, that I exhausted myself. Creative Expression shouldn't exhaust you. I'm not even sure I know my own creative expression anymore. I'm struggling with this because it is also my greatest strength and it creates avenues of funding for me. I know this is burnout and it has been for a long time now. After the last 49 years, what am I sure about of myself?

My first quest should be, to ask myself deeply, who am I? I was pondering this while making another cup of coffee and thought, that is where I should start. I basically don't know who I am and my higher self is guiding me to remember. This is something I have always had an issue with regarding spiritual teachings of "re-remembering." Why would I CHOOSE to forget? To learn what lesson? To remember what? It seemed like a huge waste of energy to me honestly. I think it is orchestrated from here, by forces here for energy manipulation. I begin to question the stark contrasts again in my childhood. The abuse was so much on the forefront, especially in therapy sessions, that I never really got to explore the other aspects of my childhood that formed me. All the healing had been focused on all this trauma, where was I in all this? 

My love for the animals and planets far exceeded my love for people, since the beginning. This gigantic Human Ego of MAN - the most precious thing of all, in all time, ever. So, let me get this straight. I incarnated into this body, forgot who I am, but am beat over the head by everyone with a club telling me who I am, that isn't who I am. They then tell me to be me, but under their terms and conditions. The outside world begins to tell you who you are once you arrive on planet earth. But, you aren't supposed to believe them! You have to know yourself above all, I was told. This is more of where my rub with hypocrisy started to develop. So now, I have to remember why I incarnated here, decipher who I truly am from what I told AND support the meatsack by the system in place. Oh, okay. This is my issue with forgetting. I questioned if this is where my love for rock and archeology derived from? All the inconsistencies I was observing as my mind was bringing in vital programming information, co create "me." How do you even begin to deconstruct all this? 

My mapping has become my grounding and reference point. Doing this daily has made me realize, that in and of itself is awareness in action. I had a thought, I draw it down, I then create a digital rendering that can be shared. That is creation. As I am creating thumbnail slides for my Cosmic Book, I thought that is the questions to ask. Am I more than this meatsack and mind controlling it? Have I always known this for myself? When do I first actually remember my ideas about a God? Did God feel threatening? No, not at all. The God I perceived was very Loving. In stark contrast to what others around me believed. There is internal conflict there. 

I was originally programmed in Gnosticism and Alternative viewpoints. At the time they were considered RADICAL viewpoints on the outside. The duality of this plane has been part of my experience here. Balancing and Integrating these forces has been decades of work. And though this has been very difficult, it has been my deepest interest. Understanding what this is experience is. How do I begin to do that? How does the inner exploration start? I have a great deal of tools around me, books, tests, profiles - all questions put forth to get me to explore my inner self, to kick that consciousness ball. 

My love for the unseen has been there from the beginning. I was so comfortable with it, that I didn't know it was radical, until the club repeatedly came down over my head. I was detoured greatly from my path and it made it very difficult to reconcile. The resentment and hypocrisy I have just lamented over were there to serve me. Is that truth, or did I make it truth? It is an interesting battle between my imagination and my rational brain. It is the same internal war raging regarding plant medicine and pharmaceuticals. Balance and integrate. That is my daily goal. In order to do that, I must organize myself. In order to organize, I must sort myself. What are the basics of being a human in this space?