Objective

It can be difficult for me to remain objective when I am connecting several events that led to the question, only to then be told I was not seeing things correctly. In my mind, after A, B, C, and then D happened, I began to think, E. The difference between my responses in those letters carry a lot of weight. Refrain has been a major struggle for me. Loosing refrain has cost me much self worth. Keeping my composure, trying to remain calm and balanced after the onslaught of the abuse from this world has been difficult. Many times I have lost the battle. I am currently banned from a local dispensary. 

My emotional responses have been out of alignment because I wasn't aware of what was being defended by me, only that I needed to defend. This is what it is like living with PTSD. Believing that my internal wiring, that I was aware of from the beginning, was "wrong" yet "divine" at the same time, made no sense to me.  So if I am a spirit on this earth, but that is the one thing somehow denied selectively, how is my self worth developed? Even as a woman just in this physical body somehow invited suffering? What's the objective here? 

The objective is whatever you decide to make it to be. We are told we can do whatever we put our minds to, along as you are willing to do in these limits defined by us. When we began to question, "Well, who the fuck is US anyway?" The deflection actually served us. "Go within!" (Because no one out here has the answers.) So we do, or we don't, that is our free will to do. Where are the attacks on free will? Ironically, outwardly more than inwardly. It has been this level of hypocrisy that injured my higher aspects. To even consider any amount of trust from me takes tremendous effort for me. 

Is the objective to find trust or truth? Who defines truth? I am taught only self. The church teaches them and their word. The church makes majority, spiritual is crazy and woowoo ... The mental conflicts I have had regarding this made me question my objective, my mission, my purpose.