Day 6

 Today's prompt questions my idea of pleasure or experience in the next six months. I have found over the last year especially, when tuning into what actually brought me "pleasure" were things that are simple. My cats snuggly sleeping, cutting into fresh vegetables, watching the light cast shadow, the smell of onions cooking, coffee in the morning and sleeping safely at night. There was no joy in consumerism, in fact, it has become just the opposite. It is now a fear to spend money and guilt is felt. That should help the economy if a lot of people are feeling this fear also. It's been a fight to find optimism. These feelings fanned the flames of an emotional explosion today.

I am having a very difficult time hiding my emotions, perhaps this is the gifts of menopause. When I feel hurt, I start crying now. Injury upon injury had been revealing itself to me. Hardening myself for being too sensitive, quieting myself because I was too loud, outwardly conforming to basically be left the fuck alone. Yea, yea, I will play your dumb ass game, till I stop. And I had to stop.

I have never felt like I was priority to anyone. I have also always felt like I was just a means to an end for anyone who had any interaction with me. My world had shown me that repeatedly. The ugliness of people's character was not in my oversensitive mind. I've seen and felt the greed and lust of people, who honestly seemed incapable of remorse or empathy. I have always felt like I was surrounded by a world of psychopaths who were ally pointing at me yelling "You're Crazy!" No doubt I feel demeaned by this world. It has shown me on every level how violent it can be. I came to terms with understanding there will always be a very few who genuinely cheer you on. Strong support systems are built. Most of my life I have felt like I was struggling in quicksand while others stood on the side dangling the rope, laughing. I have seen so much ugliness in people, that it is hard for me to pretend that bad people don't exist. Predators. 

I've worked hard to remove myself as prey in many situations. I've worked on where I have remained the victim and had to see things differently. I feel I have been doing the work. It has been fine with me that it hasn't been acknowledged by most, I offend their predator spirit. It has been fine with me that I have not received the support I gave out, until I couldn't support myself. I was fine with being dismissed, but this feeling of being disregarded and demeaned had been resurfacing. I had to come to terms with myself that I had to be my priority for me. Everyone else had to also become their own priority. During this process, I found that inner spark, innate worthiness because of the deep connection I feel. All the while the outside world has set forth to sever that connection, dim the spark and hack the pathway to a feeling of unworthiness. Feelings that my body is just responding to now, without control. Responses that seem very over emotional. But, I am not holding them back now. 

My boyfriend and I play video games together. Which is an outdated term. I get real snippy while sometimes playing, my control issues begin to bubble up. We can get lessons out of any situation, if we look. I have been practicing that, which has helped me stay aware in moments so to navigate choices from a centered space. Do I feel like the world has been out to get me? Absofuckinglutely. Do I have a chip on my shoulder? Yep, and a pickle. This is the shit I try to balance in my responses. Am I being defensive because everything in my past has shown me this is the case? So I say, okay, let me see with different eyes, and yea, I feel like the motherfucker's spit in those eyes too. Trying to remain balanced while this fucking jaded is an effort. Remaining objective while I have been cycled and recycled from the process. You're gifted! No you aren't, you're crazy! To people saying "Just be yourself!" I reply, "no one liked that. And I have a complete inability to conform, so bye." 

I have no idea what other's beasts are, or what they seek to tame in moments. My beast is overcoming a deep feeling of complete animosity for people, to look for the good or reflect my good. Compared to the world I have seen, yea, I am a fucking Angel. I don't carry insecurity in my Spirit. I have insecurity in Mind regarding my mental abilities (Math, Memory) and my biggest insecurities come from the Body. Not just that my body began to be rejected when I wasn't in a child's (like) body, or as a bigger person being fat shamed, or a woman being shamed for trying to fix her body. I have been shamed over this meatsuit the most in this experience. It has received the most trauma. The trauma to it, created mental and spiritual trauma that has taken me decades to understand. Maybe believing that I could ever be part of what is conformity or acceptable here is what is Histrionic. To believe anything outside of myself would ever be in any kind of total acceptance of me seems insane now. How could it be? Especially if I wasn't in acceptance of myself, in complete fullness. Why? I started on my journey of trying to map where emotion is first initiated. It is in my Spirit. Odd, since most of my trauma was in my body. 

My feelings of being dismissed bubbled up while I was playing Diablo with my boyfriend today. I had been harboring feelings of "not feeling important" or even remotely a priority. My asks were going unanswered, but deep down I felt I wasn't deserving anyway. All the ways that I had been feeling completely diminished just came pouring out of my mouth. The complete fear of feeling like I am not a priority for anyone here, I better get younger some how! It bogles me that generations of family will demand your allegiance, they come first remember, but the same ones turned their backs, time and time again. Our society has created this generational trauma. "Don't embarrass our family name by revealing how abusive we are!" Spirit was the first to respond in that anger.