Day 4

 Today's prompt asks for a vision of Career, Work, Purpose or Mission. I strongly resist the word Career because of the unpacked baggage I still tote around regarding privilege, education and station. I much more prefer the terms of Mission or Purpose. I subscribe to the idea that we do our talents, what we are innately good at and work toward that with heart and dedication. My past "work" experiences still have hostile feelings and anger buried within. So what of my purpose? The very thing I was taught, I believed and was shunned for, experiencing this existence with greater understanding and to express it in a creative and inspiring way. 

I also finished my new book by Matthew LaCroix, "The Illusion of Us." What I realized is everything he was presenting for people to keep an open mind on, were the things I was taught as a child and was repeatedly told it was "evil or crazy." This returning of knowledge has revealed deep wounds within me. The anger I have had against conformity and my inability to even WANT to. This all fostered these feelings of being ostracized and never being accepted, which I was fine with. I was also told it wasn't "fine that I was happy being alone - I need people." I don't want to participate in the limited mindset of non-growth and believing we know all. We absolutely can't and should embrace that ignorance with excitement. 

I am a creative. I create, my proof? Through my works online, the products and designs I created, the creative endeavors I undertook. I blog, I design, I sew, I cook, I sculpt, I grow plants, I embark on learning everyday. This is a creative existence to me. It wasn't the times I felt so stifled and controlled in jobs that claimed creative titles, but were everything BUT that. No, I don't long for that. I don't long for trying to placate people who are completely ignorant of creative spirit. Reflecting on "Career" experience, it was inability to "conform" and "team play" that ultimately caused my abrupt dismissal in majority of those choices. My emotional state has been in turmoil from the beginning. Chaos and The Order, absolute duality on every level. 

Finishing my book this morning, I was inspired to explore topics such as emotion. Then I had an emotional eruption. My first instinct was to shut it down, get it together and analyze it. This repeating annoyance whispered "Sit in your pain." Okay, I am sitting here crying, why? I felt injury. From what? Derek. What is the core feeling here? Fear? Anger? So I let the tears flow as I stirred and tried to connect with my vegetables. While trying to cry and understand why I felt I had to shut down these emotions and the instances that created them. The programming, where was it? 

My creative spirit must have taken this journey because my physical body was observing the reason I purchased frozen spinach over fresh. I'm lazy. The reasoning began. Great, those two are engaged, where are you, here in your body? I honestly felt sick to my stomach from all that was going on. I sucked that up too. I have so hardened myself. I could feel it now in my body just as I felt the wraps of masking fall off, layer by layer. Sabzi stirred into the pot of beans, I begin to get grounded again. Chop wood, carry water. It is the procrastination of cleaning shit out of boxes, but this is my choice. If I want fuzzy living beings to spend their energy with me in a healthy way, I need to treat them and the plants with reverence. 

Grounding myself and coming back to my start place on my map. Where am I? Fragments of last night's dreams wander through and I become acutely aware of the cicadas singing and my heart warms. I smell the sabzi cooking, half my chores are done and I will be able to move into an area of expansion. Which brings me back around to the topic, Career / Mission. 

Was I told what I was going to be when I grew up by my parents? Yes. I was told I would write and teach about consciousness. I was raised by Gnostic people. Just like every other program out there, you realize some platforms can't host a certain program. Apple, the Garden of EA-Den, the Snake, Knowledge, all those things are such a beautiful allegory. In the beginning Apple computers were inclusively made for design. Windows and PCs were data. These platforms were different. I was raised with PC, until college, where I sought further knowledge. I expanded my ideas of creating onto the digital world. It was absolutely miraculous to me. And still is. 

I distinctly remember this day in college. I was working in the Mac Lab for my school assignments, because I couldn't afford my own Apple at that time. I was with my people though, and my InstrucVictor was teaching, all was right with the world. I was myself there, and yea, it was noticed. So when I started "my shit" everyone knew what that meant. That was 20 years ago. I was famous for freaking the fuck out before we started every assignment. I now understand more why, but this has been a repeating pattern. Self doubt, insecurity, all the things would take over. I couldn't possibly do this, then I did, and amazed myself. I was sitting at the computer looking at the screen, thinking how big would this file be. Back then, we seriously had to worry about data size. Every pixel you add, every layer, font all infused to create a file, that had size. That is when my existential crisis took over in class. 

I was creating a design on a computer that was not tangible, but had digital weight. There were perimeters around the size of falls given the device it was stored on. It was limiting and expansive all at once. I had to voice this, so I did. And I disrupted everyone around me and threw them all into their own existential crisis, Victor instructed, "Stop your shit Cynthia and get to work." And I did. In those moments I began to experience the stone that I balanced on, coming from the cornfields. This waterfall was digital images. All these reoccurring dreams, night terrors, visions, had come together to begin making sense to me. I had dipped my hand into the digital waterfall, seeing new knowledge in this program, on this platform - in this space. Space. Where am I in this space? Getting back on topic.

My mission within this current frame should support my existence. This is why it is important to do what we love. How do we find that? I have been deeply exploring this which has led me to the moment of NOW. I have exactly what I asked for and created. I have the choice to utilize it to the fullest potential of it. I have battled for this stronghold, a safe place to explore the question of "my purpose" and to understand what it means to heal in Body, Mind and Spirit. My purpose had been driven to only think I was some THING until That Thing was. You aren't a writer until you're published. If you are not published then you have no credibility. Moving with that thought then I should wait to express myself until someone approaches me to make money off my ideas and dictate terms and pay me so I can support doing this. I can express myself in my own terms now, but I have to pay to live on this planet. 

Since I can't pay in dollar currency to support my being in this existence, I have a partner who has graciously decided to support me during this process. This area here had been one of internal war for me and was what was offending my spirit a year ago. "Don't trust or rely on these men." Man bad, woman good. I had viruses, partitioning problems and no storage space on my apple. I needed a ReSet moment and defragment life a mf. 

I have the space now and I have to defend my boundaries with it.