Body

 Yesterday, my estrogen patch fell off and the pharmacy is still out of the refill. Last night, I did, indeed have night sweats that I had gone away. There is merit in the estrogen. The quandary this morning was, how do I get this stuff into my body on a consistent basis with gaps in use? Should I contact the gyno and ask about injections? The thought of even opening my laptop to send a message to her exhausted me. I woke very irritable, to say the least. 

I have to go to the dispensary today. I hope they still have my order. I was absolutely too exhausted yesterday to go. These nagging aches in my joints and lagging energy doesn't feel like I am operating on this higher vibration I am trying to reach. Trying to move into a space that is completely optimal has been an exertion of a great deal of energy. Analyzing every aspect of my life, thoughts, emotions ... But, I would rather be in this space and moving forward. Exhausting as it is.

I moved all my mother's nicotine stained health books to my work area, from our front collection of books. I want to say library, but that sounds much richer than my little humble abode. Every book I wiped down thinking of my mom's nicotine habit. My grandmother had a horrible one too. I never took up the habit, but still inherited the toxins from it. Why couldn't she stop? I believed my mother was stronger than so many of her choices. My lifetime I have contemplated her choices. Distinguishing her choices from mine. My choices from society. I wiped down an entire shelf, now ready for me to study. 

I'm in search of a high vibrational diet, on a budget. Yesterday, I failed to cook and ate a bowl of noodles. I wasn't disgusted with myself until about seven cheese crackers later. This is not how I wanted to consume nutrients. I want to sit and savor the taste, feel the texture on my tongue and think about the journey it made and give thanks for that. I want to be fully engaged in my  moments throughout the day. I have always wanted this. 

I stopped asking questions about my past, no one is giving up the ghost. When did understanding of something more enter into my life? I have know it deeply, I felt it in nature. Something greater than me had shown me images before bad things were about to happen and to run. I recall no innocence to my sexuality. I think this is why I have disassociated so much from my body and from relationship. Clothing was also a projection outside my body. I can remember once admiring my beautiful legs, quickly, so that no one else could see them and I get unwanted attention. Only briefly to I remember admiring them. Now, my body is reflecting so much of this inattention. I can't be certain if this pushed me further into my mind, or just created an imbalance. It's nature and nurture, and all the degrees in between. 

Back at Earth, my joints are still aching and I am dreading getting dressed to go to the dispensary. I had ordered  two various strains for this batch. I need more pain relief at the moment. This last batch was amazing for my mental and spiritual explorations, but I can barely lift my arms today.