Body of Emotion

 I am witnessing my own evolution of thought and becoming more aware. Allowing my emotions to completely run free this morning was revealing. Currently it is my aim to work toward optimal use of my existence here by strengthening my knowledge about my perceptions of Body, Mind and Spirit. I have suppressed a large part of my emotional body. Friction from the causes still anger me. Much of it has been repeatedly told "I was too sensitive" while tiptoeing on eggshells from explosive behavior around me. That required an intense amount of armor, while trying to stay agile on eggshells under that weight. I could feel it absorbed into my muscles. Louise Hay's body of work is something I am familiar with. But, I wasn't quite making the connection into my body being the conduit to process the experience. There were many topics in "The Illusion of Us" that I want to further explore. The Chakras being one of them.

I went to my book shelf and pulled one of my mother's books: "Using Your Chakras by Ruth White. This isn't foreign knowledge to me, but not one I have devoted a great deal of study to. In part because of shame and how Spirituality was viewed. This was "witchy" or "devil stuff." I searched for rational reasoning that the consensus held. The subject has repeatedly come up recently. The fact that I have this book on my shelf because of my mother is very significant. Being familiar with these concepts from a young age created the rage of hypocrisy I was feeling. I had tried to do all this and had been repeatedly shut down. So let's shut it down and work on a reboot.

I've become very aware of the intense amount of red around me. My thinking and processing baffles me sometimes. My inability to see what is right in front of me, what is that? I will look for signs and symbols, then shame myself for magical thinking, retreat into grounding techniques and try to understand this immediate experience in this body. Will all my external diagnosis in hand, it was time to move the assessment inward. My emotional reactions today showed my pain in my stomach, anxiety in my chest, tears flowing from my eyes and internal shaking I have learned to try to contain. At the root were feelings of blame and victimhood. Was I feeling like I was to blame because I am fully here by my choices. Did I feel misunderstood? Absolutely. Did I truly feel misunderstood, or unheard? 

Have I felt unheard the majority of my life? Yes. My loud voice is my body's response to that. My asthma, feeling smothered by second hand smoke and denial of my struggle to breathe. This was a reoccurring theme for many decades. Now, have I been unheard because of my communication skills? This was something else that had pushed me in the past, communicating. If  I can write, talk, express, create art, then I am, in fact, communicating. And in several medias. Is is my inability to communicate, or someone els's misperception? Am I responsible for their perception? No. I am responsible for what I portray, which is why I have been working on that. Does this mean that everyone else is a shining mirror of perfection? No. Each has the responsibility of the pain they inflict, myself included. Without this, empathy is difficult to move into. It is when someone's repeated actions of injury are dealt, without reflections of their own. This is when I begin to question my victimhood. 

It is rooted in shame. "Don't say that about _____ (raping, molesting, etc.) he is a good man, why are you saying these things." We are all very aware now that majority of us, at least one in three, possibly, two, or all of us, have been shamed by families with this. Women looking the other way while the men in their lives lived out their lusts on their daughters. This carries over into our outward relationships and how we view our place in the world. My root anger became evident in all the red surrounding me in my space. I've silenced my voice and opinion to save feelings, a fight or whatever. The ultimate outcome? I am lesser. These are the conditions I put on myself. All the shame I have taken on. The shame, the anger, the emotion, the red, the root right here that I need to explore. 

My immediate response when I realized I was surrounded by red and wearing it, was to throw it all away. That felt rash. I start by becoming more aware of red, the root chakra. In the first chapter the book of my mothers explain why one should incorporate the Chakras into their life as "A Map of Consciousness." I move forward in my understanding of this and am working on integrating it as part of the structure, more tools for guidance. My physical has revealed issues to work on, my psych eval has revealed mental, and my chakras are revealing the spiritual mapping.