Art of Change Day 2

 Yesterday self exploration was prompted by Day 1's question of what I wanted for my health in six months, what do I envision? I want to be in alignment. This question is a prompt for me to ask what exactly HEALTH means to me? Health encompasses three main aspects: Mind, Body, Spirit. I began to pour over my physical, mental and spiritual aspects. I needed to take inventory. Where was I in these aspects and what could be improved in each area?

I had diligently spent the last few years working on my mental state and physical. I began asking outwardly, "What are the problem areas?" Physically what came back to me was that I would need surgery on my ankle, sooner than later, my cholesterol was getting high, I needed a colonoscopy (which is scheduled for this late summer) and I am, in fact, in menopause with an FSH of 76, which prior was in the 20 range. My breathing was good, under control and I began using my CPAP again. I am still obese, but have lost some more weight. This has led me to working on my diet plan and incorporating movement. 

My weight became an issue around 5th grade when I started puberty. By sixth grade I had my monthly menstrual cycle. I had developing breasts among many girls who didn't. For this fact alone, I began to feel different and fat. My mother projecting weight issues onto me didn't help, along with unwanted predators circling. This was the beginning of very difficult times for me. Trying to get my breathing (undiagnosed asthma) under control also became a contributing factor with the use of steroids. I was told "They don't make you fat, if you can't control the hunger, you're making yourself fat." That is an entirely different rant that I will reserve. 

After getting diagnosed and treated with asthma, I had the daunting task of removing 100 plus pounds from my body. This did include surgeries, which I was ridiculed for. My breast reduction became a bad thing because now I had nice breasts. Again, another rant that I must reserve because the anger is too fresh. Breathing under control, a good part of weight down, no back problems and easier movement, I began to explore things I loved. I also began to tackle my mental state. 

Being told my entire life I was crazy, I wanted to know, straight up, what the fuck exactly is the problem? Besides everyone thinking I am fake and not doing any research whatsoever on your patients, what else is going on here? A full blown psych on paper gave me all the information I needed. I was diagnosed with ADHD, which made a great deal of sense, and I had PTS encompassing the depression and anxiety. That I knew. I had been aware of my PTS for a long time and had worked on controlling my temper. Not being able to function in jobs, in hindsight makes a great deal of sense. But, contributed to my reputation of being "Crazy" or politely, "Eccentric" and a difficult artist to work with. Yes, I was. Still am. What is crazy? I don't see crazy on this eval. I saw a great deal of facts. I had papers in my hand that was showing me my actual mental state. I began the process of integrating this knowledge into new treatment. Next, we have spirituality. The greatest aspect of me that is denied the most.  

My past has been one of great difficulty. I have overcome a great deal and am immensely grateful and proud of my being for the choices I was able to make and my truths I clung to. Those also were seen from the outside as "bad" even, evil. Yet, the final aspect of myself that I was being programmed to deny. Strike three: you are worthless. Thankfully I never believed a word that came out of anyone's mouth. A great deal of programming seeped through however. 

Having knowledge of where I stand in these three aspects and knowing I am working towards betterment in every area brings me the most profound sense of freedom. I feel good about myself and where I am in life, regardless of the shame that has been projected onto me. So what I envision for my overall health in 6 months is continued growth in all three of these aspects. I want to be in alignment, be living optimally and excited for continued growth and expansion of being. I want an integrated experience where I am living fully In-Spirit. Now onto the subject matter, Day 2.

The statement is to document my vision for my Creativity in six months. Creativity is my life force. I create and in those moments I am In-Spirit (inspired) and feel the most connected. I want to explore various avenues and see what more I can create. I want to interject here that this is a facet that has also continuously attacked and stunted. The amount of hypocrisy in all three of these aspects has left me with a bitterness and resentment that I still continue to resolve. Being told "You never finish what you start" became a limiting projection that I had to explore deeply. Of all the things I do, none I think I could slave away at. And that is how continuous devotion to one creative outlet that isn't my passion, depletes me. I find it limiting to focus only on one creative endeavor. I want my experience to reflect multi-levels of existence. Forcing myself to continue jobs that only brought me dissatisfaction and harm to my well being wasn't making sense to me. I want my vision. I want to express my vision and have my vision support my life in all ways of abundance. 

My greatest gift I can give is actually my creativity. The fight to keep my vision has also been intense. Feeling shamed and shunned in all three of these aspects took an unhealthy toll on my entire physical being and existence here. So I politely declined. Then I had to scream "Fuck Off" and now I realize I have to take immediate control, or I will have lived and died living a life not for myself. And this is a form of suffering that I don't subscribe to. My spirit fully rejects it. Being able to be in alignment (healthy state) will contribute greatly to my living a creatively inspired life where I am connected. This leads me to this present moment and my projects I have been undertaking. 

Taking control of my time and environment has been a difficult effort. I was confronted by so much opposition, just be in this space I am now. A space where I feel as if working on all these things, and working toward bettering myself, according to my terms. Positioning myself in this state took a great deal of effort. Effort has been reflected in my choices and action. I have proven to myself that I can, in fact, create my reality and experience here. 

Reviewing the previous entry from Day 2, I was absolutely delighted. The first sentence I wrote was "Fully immersed in creating my series." I wanted every day to explore what evolving and existing meant. I put that intention forth and came against, once again, a great deal of opposition. I evaluated every aspect and relationship in my life. I have the time and space now, I am going to take it to explore my Creativity and Existence.