The Man Haters

Last night I woke in terror from a nightmare. I ripped off my CPAP mask and looked around to figure out where I was. I was at home. I was safe. Derek was up working in his office. Hot tears flooded me. My heart was still racing so I went downstairs to sit and try to get my thoughts together. I ate a pudding, thinking the cold creamy thick texture would calm the triggered starvation. As my mind began to settle into the safe haven I have built for myself, I revisited the nightmare. 

I was at a place, filled with women. A large structure where I was living. I felt I was doing my best and then in the moments of my nightmare, I stood up to trying to be controlled. I was told to leave, pack my shit and get out. Fine, I was no stranger to being homeless. I didn't like it, but it was better than oppression. I packed some shit and I headed out. Woods all around me, with one road between the mountains. I set out, looking for a safe place to sit and gather myself. Walking alone with my stuff, dodging in and out of places trying to find a safe place. I began to feel hate building up in me in my dream. Hate, terror, and anger. I woke up. My boyfriend had heard me moving around and came up and said "Hello, you are up early." I turned around and he saw my tears streaming from eyes and asked "What's wrong?" "Another nightmare" is all I needed to say and he understood. Even as I type this, tears are welling up. It isn't sadness, it is fury. 

I know the nightmares are unresolved lingering emotions my mind is trying to work out. What was this? It had been a while since I had this. OH YEA, the recent events started bothering my mind again. I was mad now. I needed a xanax, or half of one to calm this anger. In my festering I mentioned some things to my boyfriend and his response was exactly my thoughts, "Oh wow, they built their little man hating clinic to convince other women to become lesbians, dye their hair and hate the government?" He got it. He also knew what I had been putting up with. Neither one of us like radicalism, either way the pendulum swings. It is an unbalance and I have been seeing this build for a while and the waters broke through the damns on a worldwide front. Complete hypocrisy and spotlights on all the world's unhealed traumas. What do I know though? I am just an abused, poor piece of trash from the ghetto that has been discarded. Fine, I discard myself from you dumb fucks, so fuck off. BYE. That is how I will leave situations now and that is how I left in my dream. It wasn't enough for me, because when I laid back down, the dream resumed. I went back to the place where I had been ostracized. Not to ask to come back, but to tell them how I felt. How did I feel when I woke up?

Clarity of what had happened came to me upon my waking hours. My mind started stringing together all of the events of the last year actually. Feeling betrayed, being too nice to tell a clinic, hey, your pack of man haters are undermining all your work here. It wasn't my battle, at least outwardly. I didn't work at the clinic that had hired shitty therapists where obviously unhealed and projecting their shit onto clients. Radical evangelists waving their gay pride flags, which they had their right. It absolutely does not bother me. What does bother me is people trying to indoctrinate me into their beliefs. It has never mattered if were a school subject, a fundamentalist Christian, or a radical extremist pushing "the new movement." I played this game, lived this shit and moved on. I won't be pulled back into unbalanced thinking. I told my boyfriend, "You know, she wasn't just undermining the owner of the clinic, my medicine man, but also you." Ding ding ding, clarity. Undermining people with penises. It all made sense now to me this morning, sitting at my desk, drinking my coffee. The nightmare served me. 

When I told my mother of the abuse I was receiving, she called me a liar and tried to strangle me to death. I broke free from her hands around my neck and I bolted. I ran, hard. I remember every foot that pounded against the ground as I ran. I felt my heart pumping so fast, I knew I was going to throw up. I had to make it to my cousin's house. His mom, my aunt, was the one who told me to tell my mom! Then she turned her back on me. My parents came to get me, acted like nothing had happened and took me back home. No one cared and no one was going to save me. I also knew in that moment, I was on my own and no one could be trusted. I was probably 12 at the time. What followed was a horrific and pain filled teenaged years of navigating a world I knew nothing of, I only knew my truth. Which is what became most important to me. My truth. Decades later, I am still navigating a life filled with the repercussions of those teen years. 

In the moments between sips of coffee, my emotions began to make sense to me. My anger ignited. It was obvious now to me why I felt the way I did recently, and over a year ago. Had I taken the bad advise, I wouldn't be in the safety of healing now. I listened to my truth and understood it deeper. I have seen the consequences of giving away my power and being told I was lesser than the person giving it. Standing eye to eye, in balance for a debate wasn't happening. All these moments chipped away at my self esteem. That insecure and dismissive voice that had believed all the things people told me about myself or what the world displayed to me. They were not my truths, but I didn't feel equipped to understand a world that I knew nothing of. Years of feeling unworthy solidified into these feelings of deep unworthiness. My anger was revealing to me the assaults against my personal truths. Words wanting to convince me of things that I knew in my heart didn't feel right. 

I didn't have "AHA!" moments this morning, I had "WOW, just fucking WOW" moments. There have been so many, many times I listened to my truth and was very grateful. Many moments of giving into something that didn't feel right, and I deeply regretted it. This is what creates discernment. This is how I developed trust in myself. These are the moments when gratitude for my mother outweighs betrayal and why forgiveness came. Forgiveness came for all before, except where there was the lingering resentment. Resentment came from invalidation, being dismissed, disregarded, unheard, unseen and misunderstood. The unresolved feelings of resentment created these feelings of unworthiness and not loving myself unconditionally. I can love myself and still see where the work needs to be done. I can have nightmares and sit in safe spot to reflect. When people do not know you, they will tell you who you are, if you don't know yourself. When people don't know themselves, they will project unhealed areas onto you. Knowing yourself is key here. This is probably why this greatest of advise is still espoused. "Know Thyself." Gratitude for being taught this from a young age outweighs all external harm. What I know about myself: I require solitude, I prefer to seek knowledge and experience and having a safe place to do this is important to me. It is important for me to be understood to avoid misunderstandings. 

The goal has been to figure out what is going on with my processing system internally so that I can function at my best and become my best self. I have known since I was young there has been something "different" with how my brain was functioning. Even today, all the fuck I want is scans of my temporal lobes and areas of my brain so I can see and not have someone who doesn't know shit from shit tell me what the fuck is going on in my own goddamn brain. That would be too easy, instead I gotta dick around with the medical system and play their game. I have been vocal about my needs and wants. I have been dismissed. I am mentally ill and poor, why should anyone really listen to me? So you ask what am I trying to prove? Not a damn thing, I am trying to get help. So when I walk into a building that says "WE ARE HERE TO HELP" that is what I expect. But, I have gotten far from that in every situation. Schools, hospitals, religions, governments... therapist's offices. When you are young, you are taught to respect authority, they know more right? They are actually "the authority" in a certain area, right? 

All authority is assumed. It sickens me, deeply, to think about the abuse of this assumed authority. The finger pointing all the blame. What a ridiculous racket we have created and agreed to. I don't want to finger point and want to assume responsibility for myself. But, I also owe it to myself and my journey of loving myself unconditionally to be honest about how I feel. When I say, "I need help creating a schedule to be more proactive" I don't need to be told "Why? Just do what you want, when." That felt very undisciplined, but tempting. When I say "It is important for me to feel safe" I shouldn't be told "You aren't safe, you can't support yourself solely, you are relying on a MAN." Wait now, so I am to do whatever, but definitely focus only on DESIGNING to make money to be independent and free from a MAN. When I say "I just don't feel at ease expressing myself in this environment" I shouldn't be told, "These are issues you need to get over because you are unhealed." The returning of the electrical shocks to my already stressed nervous system jarred me into the realization. I am not being seen, heard, understood here in this space. Not only those things, but I am also being told I am unsafe around MEN that I was trusting had best intentions for me. This morning it all began to make sense to me. My nightmare was only bringing these truths to help me become aware. 

I'm sickened by the abuse. Not just the abuse I have felt, but by the abuse other's are inflicting on the world. It has become important for me not to inflict pain on others and to be aware of my actions. My unworthiness and resentment were entwined. I'm brought back to the awareness that anger serves a purpose, to demonstrate areas of injury within self. Assaults against my personal truths that need to be tended to and healed. But, were the assaults part of my perception from my own unhealed understanding, or are they unjustified injurious intent from another unhealed person? Discernment quietly observes and I began to investigate. Was I safe in my own stronghold to meditate, study and work on self exploration? Or, was a captive of men and their "control" and unsafe? I knew my answer. 

This morning, I am sitting at my desk, drinking my coffee, listening to the birds and the world start to rustle around. I am anxious to get through my scheduled duties so that I can feel disciplined. The work I plan on doing is for myself, not trying to hustle online pleasing every design need that drains me so I can strive to become "independent" and alone. That is the mark of a true woman these days, right? I have taken a lot of shit over my life for my choices. Women shamed me beyond belief for giving my child up for adoption. My primary clients I had online were unappeasable women trying to control and dictate every design aspect, while belittling my art and talent. The dismissal hasn't just come from men. I think unhealed women need to wake up to the agenda they are pushing on other women. The divine feminine is injured, yes, but maybe we need to take a deeper look at why instead of constantly blaming men. Where is the balance here? The war cry is "Patriarchy has crushed us." Maybe we need to look at things from a higher perspective and a balanced view point. How do women participate in injuring other women and tearing them down? Integration, not separation. 

I'm going to clean my safe haven now. Am I sitting in a million dollar home with a pool and sports cars outside? No, and because of that, I obviously don't know anything. Those are the marks of "people who have it all." We now know better. Still that and several degrees and adhering to established norms are what give you the validation, then you have made it, right? Your significant other is admired by others, and you have money and a title, you made it! Right? Smooth sailing, you got it all together! That is the bullshit I thought. That is the yardstick that I measured success by because that is what I was sold. I bought into as I got older and realized the world wasn't all drugs and finding a place to eat and sleep safely. I see the faulty reasoning in myself and others. I'm going to work on myself, the betterment of me while using discernment. I will participate to the extent I want, meaning I put my energy where I want. That to me is invaluable. Freedom in these days to explore and heal and live my life on my terms, that is the real treasure to me. Being connected to creation and fully immersing myself in this experience while dictating my experience is everything. Healing on my terms without interference from unhealed "caregivers" and recognizing this is the great tool in my tool bag. A safe place to explore that nightmare and look for the lessons within, priceless. I am filled with gratitude for my experience and understanding.