NOWpoint

 I should be getting my estrogen patches today or tomorrow. I am officially free of doctor appointments for two months. I have decided to use this time to explore my inner self  and what I think spirit is. As I type this I hear the Cicadas starting their songs. First of the year. The sound soothes me in a way that is unexplainable. Or, so I thought. Perhaps there were moments in my childhood that I felt nurtured and loved and this sound is integrated in with those feelings. After doing some digging into my past, I was told when I was very young, we actually lived on the lake in a tent. My frustration with people in my past mounted as I asked questions and was told by family "Stop digging in your past, there is only pain there." I feel there is understanding there too. This was a projection on their part, of the roles they played and actions they took. This was their fear, not mine. I am at a point in my life where I am examining all aspects of my life and questioning everything. I have spent decades trying to heal my physical and mental aspects. It has been draining, but productive research. Now, I have reached a point where I am examining the seat of my being, my spirit, and my belief that I have a higher self and am an extension of something greater. Why do I believe this?

My spirituality has been entangled in a very dark past. For as long as I can remember, it has been there. Was this just aspects that my mother taught me, or part of her DNA? She was researcher of the spirit. I came into a world with knowledge of something greater, was it programming? I had avoided it all for a very long time, because of the entangled emotions and unhealed areas I have within my being. I have been working on those unhealed areas for a bit now. Within the last couple of years, I have had my mental state examined and my physical state. This is what the charts say: Aged, white, obese, mentally unstable, menopausal female, who cannot reproduce. I do feel as if I am more than that. I started seeing the hypocrisy and raged against it. I have wrestled with anger and animosity of being misunderstood, or not understood at all. We are all the hypocrites. We tell each other to be authentic, but then don't allow each other to be that. Why? Our world stage is ginormous reflection of all this hypocrisy. 

I had a spiritual teacher in my late 20's into early 30's. My spirit called for her and we were kindred. NOWpoint was her email. This is how long I have been trying to focus on my existence here. In all actuality, it started very young as I was indoctrinated into a belief system. I have called myself and identified myself by several belief systems throughout my life. I have been called a witch, false prophet, mentally ill and crazy because of this belief system. It's taken me almost five decades to reconcile these things. I have spent the last few years, unwrapping the masking as if I was a mummy. Layer after layer I have pealed off and examined. I have officially entered a new stage of my life, menopause is the marker, apparently. I'm examining my experience now and integrating them for greater awareness. Awareness, what is that?

I had visions as a child. I saw things before they happened. I awed and appalled those around me. I have "strong intuition" and this was seen from a young age. I was thought to be psychic. My mother believed me to be a great teacher. My mother expected that I would teach about consciousness. This was told to me by her, from a very young age. The duality of my childhood was reflected in every way. White mother, black father. Physical abuse, spiritual enlightenment. It left me traumatized. The trauma manifested into nightmares in my adult life. I struggle with insomnia. Reoccurring nightmares, and scenes that played over and over in my head. I learn to mask and dismiss myself. I began to discount all these things and distance myself from this "psychosis." 

As an adult, I now reading and learning that there is actually a delay from when our brain receives and we respond and react. The brain is neutral, it can be damaged, but it is born clean, like our bodies. But, the spirit is there from even before that, it is called DNA. We now understand a great deal more. Those of us who were ostracized in the times of our ignorance to this, programmed the trauma. For me, when I began to feel the hypocrisy arise, I would rage. I occasionally still do. Why? I trust my judgement more and over any others in most cases, allowing for research. This delay accounts for the "visions" in my mind. My brain is processing all these things, using the knowledge it has and needs the assistance of senses. Through the senses is where perception distorts or programs the thought system to rely on. This happened, then this, so this. This has been repeated several times, therefore must be truth. The brain will neutrally take in this info. What is perception? How and why does it affect my programming? 

All these questions I have been asking myself is what created my mapping. Mapping is my need to ground myself and pull everything in to assess my current space. It is my need and want to understand what is going on in this current experience. It is my persistence to understand my experience, and the want to get the most of it. I have always sought to live a life on my terms. When I made big choices, they came with big consequences. Often detrimental, when they should not have been that. The lack of support in my decisions from not allowing abuse, to not keeping a child I could not support in any way, to leaving a town and disconnecting from a toxic, plagued and sickening past. All the things I hid, and still hide have come from the responses I have gotten from other unhealed humans. I let their responses become my programming. I allowed perceptions of others dictate my experience. I now know any opinion outside of my own is just that, their opinion or projection. Are they healed enough to even give such opinions on me? Do they know me? My past? Why are they  allowed to judge? Only because I listened. I no longer allow that. I will examine why they came to that conclusion and see if there is something to adjust in my behavior. Or, I recognize they are projecting their unhealed bs onto me. All of this work has served me. I have added so many tools to my toolbox. 

NOW, here I am in the reality I created through the freewill of my choices, regardless if they are believed to be wrong. I had been shamed so deeply in my past, by my past that it affected how I viewed myself. All of the shame created this programming of "Not good enough." Then I asked for whom? I am looking around and I see NO PERSON, NOT ONE, THAT  HAS  THEIR SHIT TOGETHER ENOUGH TO BE MAKING JUDGEMENTS ON OTHERS. Myself included, so I try not to judge and be aware when I am of where the feeling is coming from. It is only in this observation and questioning that I feel connected and free. I don't feel free looking at my chart that has defined me in terms of a physical body. If we all believe we are more than that, why do we continuously do it? I need to explore this space beyond my physical.