Menopause

 I've been low on energy lately, various contributors. I'm in the space of just fuck it all, I'm never getting out of bed again and pushing myself so that doesn't happen. The effort it takes is always worth it, I'm just struggling again. Things don't so much feel like a rollercoaster now, more like a tilt-a-whirl, jerking me around, everything zipping past me in a blur. I started having nightmares about my daughter last night. I have been thinking of her years to come and hope she isn't alone. I hope the girls aren't alone. The tears started flowing, my heart started shaking and I am sitting at my desk, bawling, wondering how I am going to get ready for this appointment this morning. I am going in this morning for a follow up after my last gyno appointment. Apparently I am in menopause. I can't tell if my hormones are making me upset, I'm depressed or this is just how the fuck I feel. Is living just a tragedy with a few happy moments interlaced? What is happiness? What is sadness? What am I? Existential CRISIS!  

I know I need to get back on track with everything and make a plan with goals. I know not feeling productive makes everything worse for me. I'm going to start with my 8 Weeks to Change by Nancy Levin again. It helped me and honestly I feel like it made a big difference. Setting stronger boundaries was what was needed. You loose a lot of people in your life when you stop living to please them only and be there for them. It has been fine for me, I pushed all of the people away. I'm not lonely for people who don't reciprocate love. I don't think I am lonely for people, I'm lonely for connection. I don't really get connection with people, so I am not sure what I am even looking for. I'm reminded of my mother. She loved the song "I still haven't found what I am looking for" and I get it. I think about her letter in my desk. My heart breaks for her. I wish I could talk to her now. 

Researching before my appointment this morning on hormone therapy, I wonder how far along in this menopause process I am. I remember last holiday season when sweat just started pouring out of my face during a Christmas Special, the other older women suggested I was having hot flashes. Last night, I did have night sweats really bad. I thought about the vaginal dryness, it was so horrible, how long ago was that? I didn't realize that was part of the menopause too, until researching it. My red cardinal is back outside my window, reminding me of my mother. Reminding me I need to get up, finish cleaning and get in the shower to get ready for this appointment. I need some energy. I need to research supplements and start eating better. Okay, get up and do this shit before you're running late and that makes all things worse.