Funk

 In my complete irritability with situations I cancelled all appointments in July and August. I am going to have to take a few steps back and figure out what is going on. This space I am in feels like I might require complete solitude. I was thinking perhaps is the time to restart the 8 weeks to change challenge I didn't finish. Well, I finished it, but doing it brought about change that I am still reconciling. I think I will do it again to see what level of shit I need to clear out next to get out of this funky space. I don't feel especially productive now and certainly not at peace. I reached out earlier this week, thinking I had peace to spare. It was instantly zapped from me. I am still left with horrific lingering feelings and imagery. My anger started creeping up. I hung up on several people yesterday and just finally said NOPE, and started cancelling shit.

I started to recognize the mixed feelings I had for the psych place I go to. The Lawyer's ad for more lawsuits against the head of the clinic deeply affected me. I had been exploring why and thinking about how I had been treated at that clinic. Why had I stayed? Now that this has happened, friends suggest finding a new place to go. I remember when my worries came up about this. I asked the person on the phone about therapists or something and the reply was "It isn't that hard to find another person for meds or therapy." My thought was, well fuck you, you need to work some place that isn't for healing. Then I thought about several of my interactions there. The therapist that told me to get an attorney. Then the therapist that told me my medicine man was keeping odd track of my clothing. She then continued to open up another patient's record in front of me and see if he was making notes on other's files. Yes, someone in a green shirt with (again). She stated to me "This is his job." I knew at that point that point my healing wasn't top priority here. Why was I still there? I believed in medicine man that he saw what was actually going on with my confusion and internal conflict. And he did. I wouldn't have gotten tested and diagnosed with ADHD if it weren't for him. I trusted his advice. He had been the only one to hear the prior two years of pain I had gone through. Now, here, the therapist undermining my trust and demonstrating to me that I don't matter once again. I am not priority. I think that was the thing that struck the nerve, that flamed the fire that lit my hostility fuse. 

I didn't matter. I wasn't priority, even in fucking therapy ABOUT me. That was it for me. Now, almost a year to the day this lawsuit is being displayed. When I called about my records, there was a weird response. I felt as if they thought I wanted my records for nefarious reasons. No, I fucking want my shit to heal. That is the thing. I am fucking trying to heal. I asked for fucking help. The hypocrisy of all this has been that undertow threatening to pull me under. "It's not that hard to go to another clinic." Right you are. So yesterday I did some calling around. Instantly greeted by the same "fuck off" energy. Jesus if you aren't into healing, get the fuck out of the industry. That fueled the hang ups and just disgust. Hence the cancelling of appointments. Except two, meds and menopause. 

Am I afraid to walk into the office for my appointment? Actually, yea. Should going in to get medicine cause this much anxiety? Should fucking going in to get anxiety meds cause this much anxiety? It is more than that. I is a loss of hope. It feels like a betrayal and that mentally ill people don't deserve respect. We are subjected to so much hypocrisy. These root feelings of unworthiness, that I was trash from a druggie family and was unstable bubbled up. Whether it is all connected, I do not know. But, the therapist kept talking about his wife. I didn't give a fuck at the time. I was concerned with my healing. Now, I speculate that she knew we went to high school together. "Someone" diagnosed me with Histrionic Personality Disorder, when "It is obviously clear you have ADHD." A year later I realize he is married to someone I went to school with. Dots started connecting. Was I actually being seen for who I am or who I am working on being? My heart broke. It is that simple. My fucking heart broke and I knew not one mother fucker cared. 

I slept for 14 hours last night. I feel hungover from the two prior days of just being zapped. My attitude sucks and I have lingering hostility swirling in my chest. I thought playing Diablo would release some hostility, but it didn't. Downstairs I came, thinking what to do, just start something and you will get pulled in. But what? Where should I be putting my energy? What is worrying me? What do I need to work on the most? This is how the fog of confusion engulfs me. My eyesight was literally blurry yesterday and is still today. a definite sign I need to sit and calm myself. Hot tears in a continuous flow down my face. I have to get grounded, centered and back into a positive mindset. Centering for me has become my mapping. I gotta map my way out of this funk.