Examination

 I have been secretly longing, praying and being open to new connections and experiences. When my prayer is revealed in my the issue, I totally get it. It felt like the moment I ripped up the carpet I loathed so deeply. I dug my blade down into, deep enough to rip through padding and catch in the wood. There, the base is, so I ripped and I ripped and piece by piece I removed that energy from my life. That in and of itself was such a big deal to me, that I still have not put any flooring down. Surprisingly, under the carpet wasn't as horrifying as I thought it was going to be. I knew the trouble spots, they are visible from downstairs. I have been Kilz-ing areas and just sweeping it up. Enjoying the extra space. The carpet took up so much energy that removing it actually made the room "feel" bigger. 

It is a struggle to reach out and connect for me. Mostly, because I prefer being by myself rather than constantly with someone. The other issue, my trust issues. I open up, then recoil. I isolate and am really very fine with that. I only have internal struggles with this because I have been repeatedly told this is not healthy. Then there are the times I truly need to feel connected, so I create. I express through my hands ideas I have. In those moments, I am so inspired (In-Spirit) that nothing in this existence matters, because that is all of existence. It is everything. We all refer to this in our own way. I have recently come to understand that this is what some people refer to as "hyper-focus" within ADHD. As a creative, I believe this is what artists feel when connecting to their muse. I have no idea what this feels like for people who don't understand this. And there, that is where my intuition swirls within my chest and says "not for you." So what is for me?

I remember telling the most recent therapist I had that I wanted contracts for all my relationships. Or, rather forms of compatibility to compare. She giggled and said "You can't ask people to do that!" I replied "Why not?" Now I am thinking, we are requiring people to claim a pronoun, but I can't require a form to see if we are riding the same vibe? Let's cut the shit here, this is who I am, what I'm trying to do and what I'm looking for. And you? It occurred to me to define what it is I am looking for, and put it out into the universe. The universe responds. I recoil. All the swirling symbolism in my life funneled down into a pink stone being gifted to me. This beautiful soul that stood before me had no idea the gift she was actually giving me. What I put out into the universe once again. I wanted to bow before this orchestrated beauty the universe sent. What seems insignificant to some, is the world to others. 

Under that carpet I ripped and tore to shreds, was some pretty wood, with faded white paint. I began to Kilz the floor first in my closet and the space opened up. I organized my clothes and cleaned out a lot of old energy there. There is a lot of self shame that comes along with a deep cleaning. Emotional attachments we  have to garments or closet items. Shame is something I have known all too well. I have had to push myself past it to continue on for me. That was the epiphany. 

The rock was a symbol to LOVE myself, unconditionally. The conditioning I have put on myself felt like a physical dismantlement as I thought about each one. Every piece of armor put on in fear, then masked over for years with layers of shame. This dismantling has been a process. The layers of the onion. Observe each part of yourself that you have deemed unlovable. All the reasons you have made yourself undeserving. All the ways you have silenced your voice and then through resentment, burst through all the masking, then barreled forward in your armor. I had felt defeated, lost in the woods. Am I enough to carry on? When you fall out of disillusionment with your mission, and see the reality of what you created, is that enough to carry on? 

In those moments, in the rawest of emotions, that is the question that is asked. In our free will, we each respond. 

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