Enneagram Study

 Last year after I had my psychological evaluation, I was introduced to the Enneagram. This became an important tool for me not just because it helped me understand me, but it helped me be firm with people telling me who I was. It has deeply frustrated me over my life that people have told me who I was. I was not the things that people said about me. One of the biggest rubs was being told I had FOMO, fear of missing out. I instantly responded, "I don't think so, if anything I have FOBI!" What was that I was asked? "Fear of being included." It was my truth, yet not how I was being perceived. Women are taught to cater and take care of people. That is our role and job in this world, apparently. I became a chameleon so people would get off my back. That is when I realized I wasn't being authentic to myself, catering to other's desires of who I was. I set out to change this. I worked through The Art of Change and quickly realized I had a shit ton of boundaries to set. 

A year later, I have begun isolating myself as I have always wanted to do, but was repeatedly told that isn't a healthy thing to do. Because it is healthier to be constantly be pulled into other's drama? It was more revealing to me how much all of this was about control. I want to focus on me, not you, or anyone for that matter. I have no need to want to control others, but would like others to respect me and who I am. And perhaps focus on them and who they are. I am concerned about your shit, so don't be concerned about mine. I was completely sick of people and felt a deep need to protect my peace, at all costs. Being able to set boundaries and walk away from people who were unhealthy for me was like magic. Why had I waited so long to do this? I was scared to set boundaries because it made me a "bad person." In reality, resenting people overstepping personal boundaries became more of a detriment. 

I personally think we are very ignorant of ourselves as a society. We've all been duped by roles, religion and control tactics. At my core, I have always seen this and known this. It's been extremely frustrating for me to have people to project their ideals onto me. So I removed myself from every space that was doing that. Why are you worried about who I am? Worry about your damn, shit. Who are YOU? Do YOU know? I have no want to define you or tell you who you are. I assume you know that. I never got why I wasn't given the same respect. Most people don't know who they are, besides what they are told they are, since birth. I started my quest to see if I was who I believed I was. This was dovetailing what was printed out on the psych eval. 

"The MCMI-IV profile of Cynthia reflects a passion for unusually challenging endeavors and goal-directed behaviors which most other tend to find intolerable" was the first thing I read regarding the computer analysis. This was correct I found. No one gives a shit about much of the stuff that fascinates me. I wasn't like others, and frankly, I am hella grateful. I am not obsessed with my body. I have no need to be a sex kitten with my meat hanging online, hoping to get attention. It is the easiest attention to get. People functioning at that level just were not it for me. I needed deeper. I longed for deeper conversations and connection with everything. Likewise, I have never had the urge of most of the women I have seen around me that have to have a man in their life to define them. I have always wanted my ideas to define me. It was becoming difficult for me to tolerate putting me in the box they had labeled without actually seeing me. It was very freeing for me to realize it wasn't important how other's defined me, only how I did. 

It is each of our individual's responsibility to know who we are and work on our selves. I had truly hoped to inspire others as well as myself by doing this. I feel like I have encountered the opposite. The more authentic I get with my voice, the more people I can no longer even tolerate in my life. I had lost the want to inspire anyone else. I started thinking about the questions on the enneagram, and how my answers funneled me down to this personality type. The difference in the answers is the difference in our personalities. No one can do the self work but each individual. I realized our programming of "who we are supposed to be" according to others was something I had to continuously work through. I had to recognize the programming and stop people when they tried to define who I was for me. This is not a new area for me, being true to myself. I, ironically was taught this over and over, while layering on outside conditioning and programing. I've done a lot of work in this area and no one can tell me who I am now. I am very proud of that.

My mother used to read people's "cards" and tell their future. Women would line up to have my mom tell them about their lives, which seemed odd to me when I was young. I now see the tools of self exploration. People should be doing this for themselves first and foremost. My unusual childhood brought me more self awareness than I actually knew how to handle. Peeling back all the layers I found it was in those areas that the resentment was stored. The animosity in my adult life is far greater than in my childhood. People trying to force their beliefs onto me honestly wasn't an issue growing up. I went against everyone I knew to make the choices I did and dealing with the consequences of that left me jaded, but steady. No, I wasn't going to be a teen mom living in the ghetto, fending off predators from my child. The ignorance was appalling to me. It still is. 

I will be starting my estrogen patches today. I am hoping it helps me from telling people, "I just can't stand the noises coming out of your face right now." I am so burned out on people I can barely check email at this point. Isolation is needed. Why was I listening to people telling me it isn't healthy? Even while reading and studying the enneagram, it states isolation is something that should be avoided. Why? This isn't a fear of mine, was this just a manipulation tactic by people chomping at the bit to control the actions, thoughts and beliefs of people while completely being unable to define or look at their own self? In some instances, yes. I have found some people have a horrific fear of being alone. They just can't. So they assume everyone else is like this and therefore, I must be lying. I will take my company over any others any day. I need to accept this about myself and stop trying to defend my wants and needs because they aren't in alignment with someone else's.