Emotional Release

 Friday, I shared all my feelings with medicine man. Expressing my fears, my frustration and pain helped. It helped so much, as it had before, before my trust was shaken. My perception was as it was because of all the things lurking around me. Being able to express, "This is how I feel and why" released me. I will continue forward as I had been. I feel safe again, as if I have at least one waypoint to portal to if I need help. I think I just needed one person to understand me. Understand where I came from and how much I fought to overcome that. Recognize my progress and not try to set me back. I knew in my gut I was being given bad advice from an unhealed people, or people who perhaps misunderstood me. Then trying to undermine where I had put my trust was too much. I am grateful I made the choices I did, once again. The emotional release freed me. That is what good therapy does, even if it isn't from "a licensed psychological therapist." It's about moving you emotionally into a safe space, allowing you to express freely and being comforting. I felt lighter, unburdened, that I expressed my personal truth and was heard. It was freeing. Having cleared that stronghold, I felt capable to moving forward.

I rested over the weekend and called to talk to Pops this morning since I didn't call to say "Happy Father's Day" yesterday. I got to unburden myself once again. Freeing me from the ignorance of my past and being able to move forward as being understood. Pops and I talked about my mom and about a letter she wrote to herself in the 80s. The lamenting of not being seen and not knowing if she knew herself. Her search for things beyond the circumstances she felt she couldn't escape from. She wrote on West Mountain, under a lowering sun on an October day. She felt unworthy. Working on my own emotional state and feelings of unworthiness brings me back to my mapping.

My map, rose quartz talisman to remind me, unconditional love. I was actively seeking to understand where I felt unworthy. Ironically, it wasn't in my spirit. I know my good intent outweighs my bad. My feelings of unworthiness had come from my belief in all the moments I was told, or felt unworthy. I've been aware of this. I didn't recognize the blessing in feeling defensive, until I understood what I had internalized about myself. I wait for moments that I feel I have to defend myself and why. I have learned to discern moments of intentional emotional manipulation. I was no longer defensive, or trying not to be, but observing the moments I felt this. Observing and studying the moments I felt dismissed. Feeling dismissed and unworthy began to be the "internal triggers" I was searching for to heal, or reveal. 

Revealing for me as been expressing my feelings from the seat of internal healing. The captain's seat, in my ship, mapping. As the captain of this battle worn ship, I recognize the areas that just don't prove to be fruitful. There is no healing there, but part of the map that needs to be revealed for what it is. A dungeon explored, near the crash site, where I came to realization.