Addendum to the Point of Now

 As I posted that last blog, a realization settled over me. I still have contempt for many people in my past. I forgave only to relieve myself of the agony of their abuse not being recognized. I got bullied a lot in school, and I bullied back. I was violent and had no qualms about fighting over it. This landed me in alternative schools. More recently, it got me banned from a local dispensary. I'm not going to take shit off anyone at this point. I am learning to just walk away now. I am learning to not give my energy to unreciprocated energy sources. This is why the recent events regarding my psychiatrist "triggered" me. And believing that it is my responsibility to examine my triggers, I did. Contempt arose. I am still working through my anger over many experiences stemming from my treatment, particularly from that office.  Why hadn't I left? My instincts tell me this is part of the healing. 

There are some things that are very easy to say, and hard to write.There are things that are very easy to write, but I cannot articulate. Speaking often slows me down with expression. Relaying what I perceived in moments sometimes just flows out of my mouth. I think since speaking slows my brain down, talking about an experience gives my brain more information to try to process and assimilate. I won't remember names, or days, only the moment of the experience. These moments I experienced started flowing out of me when I last spoke to my medicine man. I genuinely felt the office was filled with a bunch of henny penny gossiping women, judging the patients while sitting in their own unhealed chairs. 

The first moment I realized my information was being talked about was when the receptionist said to me "Yea, I have mommy issues too." I was like what the fuck? I turned my head in disbelief to see the office manager at that time look at the receptionist. Why would she assume I had mommy issues? Then, later I was informed in my therapy sessions that my records were being accessed and it could be seen by whom. What the fuck? I asked "Am I safe here?" Why is this the fucking issue and not my actual mental health. So many things were not even on my radar during that time because I was there to try to heal. Not to play games or gossip. A year later, it has become obvious what was happening. It left me questioning do any of these people have their shit together? But, I am the mentally unstable one here. Okay. I realized that has been a repeating sentiment I felt that fed my resentment. So I am asked, what makes a good therapist? One that doesn't traumatize their patients more. Is that really difficult? Apparently. Why? Unhealed people cannot heal. Degrees don't heal you. Positions don't heal you. The want to heal and not injure others begins to heal you. So as a "healer" you shouldn't open a wound and pour salt into it. What does it mean to be healed? Awareness. 

If you are aware and sow seeds of discontent, doesn't that make it an act of malice? That would mean it was intentional, thought out and done for a reason. Is it easier for me to say and believe "It was an action of the unhealed" versus it was an intentional act to upset a person in distress that has come to you for help. And not just randomly, because you put a sign on your door that said "Come to me for healing." Your degrees supports this, correct? This is your mission? You have devoted your life to helping other people. Are you? This is where being a crazy person gives you freedom. Freedom to speak without perimeters and guidelines. Why should my words matter? They are JUST words from a mentally ill person. That label had been a trigger for me. I was abused without my consent. I was ostracized for my choices. I have had horrific experiences beyond my control that I have been continuously shamed for. All the while being told "You are not to blame." What a mind fuck to then witness the repeated hypocrisy. My issues aren't "mommy issues" they are issues of "hypocritical females" who have claimed to love and support their own, then deny them, abuse them and launch attacks against them. This absolutely comes from unhealed areas in feminine psyche. Until you claim awareness, then it becomes a malicious act. An act to harm the very person you claim to want to help heal. 

I personally don't think this is complicated shit. Number one rule across the board, do unto others as you would want done to you. The act of healing and wanting to heal is the awareness of this rule. Observing this rule and understanding how our actions inflict injury onto another. We, as a society, are unhealed. So, how do I heal? Looking outside for help has failed me. Therapy has failed me in many ways, and perhaps it is because I am looking outside of myself for answers or help. But, don't I have to for things that I can't do? Aren't we supposed to ask for help if we need it? It is all so conflicting to me. I will continue my search for understanding on my own for now. Because I still haven't found what I have been looking for, and I understand why my mom loved those lyrics.