The Study

This morning I made an observation. I asked the question. "Is it bothering you that I am not working and bringing in money and splitting everything like before?" "It's fine boobie." I need more than fine, I need to feel fine. Why don't I? I looked around and observed all that was before me. A space I created and have been working to optimize. During this time, I could only see the forest, the trees revealed themselves to me this morning. Along with their shade and privacy, they whispered some secrets. I have been on a sewing binge for a couple of weeks now. I have been exhausting myself chasing the muse. The addiction to being "In-Spirit" - or hyper-focused. Fully engaged. That is my space. THAT is my digital waterfall. This process of integrating my understanding of this vision, this dream, this creation of our reality. 

Across my desk is my new cutting mat, sewing machine and tools that I use often. Every time I move something, I get distracted. I look at exactly what I am doing and questioning. I have questioned, what is your most optimal use? Are you adding to my energy, or subtracting? It started with the boundary setting. This need I have desired all my life, to be in a safe space, to create. With every object, I am grading with my emotion first. Where am I unhealed? Boxes closing, drawers slamming and a lot of "need to resort at a later time" emotional reactions. I could begin to see the unhealed areas with every drawer, social media outlet and relationships I started to close.

I have made it to round two of upstairs. Removing the upstairs carpet, bathroom linoleum and painting was a major win for me. Tackling my closet and clothing drawers were another big win. I've been shifting items into place, or out the door to create this space. With every sweep I do of each room, I get closer and closer to the space of each room. I did this with my clothes also. With every piece I questioned, why are you hanging on to this? Do you wear this? CAN you wear this? My closet and drawers thinned out pretty quick. I now have five pillowcases full of clothing I am going to try to upcycle into something I can wear. Each article of clothing grabbed me for some reason. I followed the winding thread back to my childhood.  

My love for creation sparked with holding the fabrics. This has been a part of my life from very early on. Memories flooded me. I could sculpt, sew, write and grow things. I had understanding beyond my years. I also had trauma and undiagnosed mental issues. I am the study, and the observer. This is what I am trying to convey with my series. My townhouse has been the spaceship I have been preparing and optimizing for this very journey. 

Out of the forest, into the trees, through the cornfields and to the digital waterfalls we go.