The Cat in the Car
My abandonment and trust issues have been bubbling up inside and overflowing into my life. I have been sopping it up with towels and scraps of fabric from all my clothes I am cutting up. I asked if I even trusted myself? Apparently not, because I will often disregard my intuition. Why? It is odd for me. I have yet to meet one person with a childhood similar to mine. Yes, the trauma is there, the pain and all the things. The religion is there and internal programming. Mine shows up a little different.
My mother believed I was psychic, as well as many people around her while I was growing up. I did have visions, I could see things. They were inherent to me and didn't seem odd until others began to notice. For all the bad things that I felt were neglect in my childhood, this is something very controversial even today, that I am grateful for. What I brought out of my time studying what was "New Age Theory" is that there was a running theme in all religions. Gnostic realms intrigued me, because they were not written experiences of another, they were personal experiences. I have an overall view of religions, but my ignorance in my upcoming role really showed me my lacking knowledge. My upcoming role is one of a stern Catholic. I know very little about Catholicism. As I walk this very fine line of playing a religious character as not to offend, but still entertain I thought I better study up. This made me delve even deeper into my own programming. Why I believe the things I do. Why I turned against myself and how I lost trust within my own self.
Last week while cleaning and organizing I found some work costumes I needed to return. I decided to go ahead and put them in the car so I didn't forget to take them back when I went for dress rehearsal. I did forget and they are still there. After I put them in the car that day, I felt haunted by this feeling that a cat jumped in the car. I know I didn't see one. I told myself if there is one, when you have to drive Derek to the dealership, it will jump out. I convinced myself my perception and thoughts were wrong and crazy. I am sitting at the car dealership when I hear this thumping under my car. I look up and one of the strays from the complex darted out from under my car. I saw it, Derek saw it and the guy at the dealership saw it. I was so grateful that he did not fall out and get ran over. But, it was an instant lesson on why I disregarded my instinct. And why in the hell I knew this in the first place.
Shutting down my intuition happened when I got out into the real world and was dismissed has crazy and had a lot of emotional problems. I began to view myself through these external sources. I gave up me, everything I knew as a young child. I hid and masked. I masked so many things and trained myself to become a chameleon. Betraying myself, believing I was crazy and had psychosis. I have been returning to that self, and this was a reflection to me that I need to pay closer attention to my intuition.