Masking

 When working with digital files, if there are areas you want to hide that aren't pretty, you add a mask over that area. I've done the same with parts of me. I have been aware that I was doing this at extreme levels when I approached burn out. I started digging deep to what caused the masking. Beyond trying to hide a past I just can't seem to escape, I was told many things repeatedly, that made me work hard on hiding those "ugly" parts that didn't agree with others.

I was too sensitive I was told repeatedly in the early decades of my life. I was very sensitive, to the noise, the light, to all the things around me that shouldn't be causing me these problems. Obviously it was me, so I put on a mask. I was emotionally unstable, I have continuously been adding to that mask, until the recent reveal. I was negative, so I become ultra positive. Trying to change myself over my life to appease others has built more than a mask. I wear a suit of armor. The world makes the monster, then cries about how it responds to the environment the world created. All of this masking and working on pulling the layers off, bit by bit, has gotten me deeply in touch with my resentment. That is the tough bits I am still trying to scrape off. 

It has been the hypocrisy I have witnessed over my life that created so much of the anger. Now it is on center stage and everyone's little hypocrisy skirt is showing. The darkest parts of me delight just a bit in watching people begin to be faced with it, as I have. I empathy outweighs the delight, but not feeling so misunderstood has helped tremendously. 

I've spent a great deal of time these last few days, perhaps weeks, sewing. I find sewing challengingly tedious, but enjoyable. The sewing had me working through memories that resurfaced regarding my relationship with designing and creating. I'm frustrated with where I am now regarding expressing my experiences. Perhaps I just need to experience now. I ask myself what experiences do I want in my life? It is what I seek daily, to be fully engaged in creation. To feel so connected that I bring something tangible out of all the swirling emotions and thoughts. In that space, I am connected and content. Working to get back into that space has been a daily issue.

I have stopped crying throughout the day these last couple of days. I have just felt exhausted. I shame myself for resting or watching tv. Where did that come from? Hustle, hustle, hustle. Mask the emotional and physical exhaustion. The resilience started wearing so thin, that some of the masking fell off, like gauze or cheesecloth. Maybe that is why I feel like I am wandering around in the darkness, some of the falling mask has obscured my view. 

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