Priority

 Yesterday I went for my physical and had labs drawn. I am in the process of scheduling a gyno visit, a mammogram and colon testing. Best of all, my blood pressure was back down. I had noticed the steroid wearing down a few days back. I could feel the pain in my ankle returning. Steroid injections are not going to be the way I go for my ankle. I got also pneumonia vaccine and so many things that were out of control are better. I realized, I have been doing the work, and I celebrated by hitting the Versona sales racks, which did not disappoint. I resumed my ADHD medicine so I could feel the effects before my appointment. I feel like I did all this because I was able to cut out the outside noise I couldn't control. I am moving back into a place of feeling like I am balancing again.

We went for a walk yesterday at a park, hoping to ignite my passion to video. It did. I want to make a plan to get video of the spring blooms before they all go away. I feel good about taking control over my life and clearing up a lot of the external and internal noise. I have been confronting a lot of the feelings coming up and getting honest about them. I also completely stopped answering my phone. And since closing my Etsy shop, the peace of not having daily messages and harassment, has made a huge impact on my anxiety. 

I am learning to own my selfishness and be upfront about it. Although I feel like I always have. Explaining to people that I only have the emotional capacity to focus on me, and my home right now. My health is moving into top priority. It has been such a long journey with getting my asthma under control, loosing weight, understanding what is going on with me mentally and how all of this has been affecting my overall health. When the fear of something coming in to disrupt me grounding, I remind myself, I don't have to let it in. I am not obligated to anything outside of myself and the home right now. then I turn my phone off and put it in a drawer. And walk away and clear out some more space. 

I am so very grateful I have the time now to do this. I think I have always had the time, it just hasn't been a priority. Struggling under guilt and shame for so long led me to believe I wasn't a priority. I had been thinking about when I first started feeling I wasn't a priority, and it has been since I was a child. I was shown to me over and over. Not just through abuse and neglect, but in the small ways. When I was recently told "happy birthday" on my mom's birthday, that was it for me. I have never had a fucking birthday party, but I am being told happy birthday on someone else's birthday and I don't even get a call on mine? Fuck this and fuck that. So many memories came flooding back that is making me incapable to even speaking to anyone who has hurt me or betrayed me without apology. I am my priority.