Mood Swinging

 Yesterday, I went from feeling pretty good about things to crashing and burning. I had to question if I was caught up in magical thinking and that is reality hit me like it did. I started getting my lab work back, realization of my health issues began to sink in and chip away at the goodness. Is optimism magical thinking? I spiraled into collapsing in bed again, waking up at three in the morning, in tears. 

There is a truth and deep sincerity in each emotion. I feel these things, overall. I was optimistic yesterday, my scrambling to reschedule appointments for more appointments caused anxiety. Then I started getting the messages about test results in. Cholesterol is way up. I knew it would be. I know the cause and I can fix it. Hoping this hasn't caused too much damage. It is the binding agent, butter, I use to infuse my cannabis. I will begin my search for a new binding agent. Then the next one. Thyroid. Images of my mother's neck with a scar across it came to mind. 

It always looked like my mom had her throat cut because of the scar across her neck from having her thyroid removed. I had not mentioned this in family history, because I forgot. I forgot a lot and I say over and over it is a problem. I guess it isn't an issue until I forget to put on clothes or shit in the grocery store meat aisle. My mom had so many health issues. Her overall health was horrible. And she tried, I saw her try and struggle. She fought with a horrible nicotine habit, which is why I never smoked. My grandmother did as well. I remember my grandmother lining up all her smoked cigarettes in the ashtray, neatly, side by side. Obsessively, her red lipstick always in the same spot on the white cigarette. The stark contrast between the red and white created little stripes around the living room and kitchen. I now see her OCD, among, many, many other things. 

I had pulled up half of the bedroom carpet. This has been something I have wanted to do for a long while. While doing this, I noticed the carpet pad in horrible condition. The smell was terrible and I began to wonder if my clothes smelled. I decided before taking any of the carpet around the closet, or in it, I needed to remove all my clothes. I started that process and started washing my clothes. Looking through the garments as I was washing them, I was thinking I could up-cycle these into cuter clothes. I quickly overwhelmed myself. Thinking of ways to camouflage my body with clothing. I started to spiral.

I started watching my trash tv. The weddings of Love is Blind. It stirred me. One couple, the world wants to believe in. I want to believe in. The represent LOVE and it is something everyone resonates with by seeing them. It is obvious. All of the people, their emotions seemed true. It resonated deeply. As I sat crying again this morning, being a sad sack, I started thinking about the validity in all of my emotional states. The validity of my hopes and fears. I have been struggling with self acceptance and looking at myself objectively. I need to work on this, inside and out. These emotional states happen throughout the day. These aren't radical mood swings. This is my response to the feelings I am having. These feelings are valid. 

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