Hypocrisy Lesson Engaged
After having the conversation with my boyfriend of being grateful for his understanding and support that I do want to be left alone and only engage with the world on my terms. He gets that. That is one of the strong bonds we have. We reflect that in each other. The space I have created, reflects that. But, the world assumes otherwise. And maybe that is fine? When I first started out my boundary setting expedition, I was cautious, over analytical and resistant. That was when I started hanging onto the mirage of "grieving over so much." When I was sweeping this morning, I realized otherwise.
A crisp, fresh cool breeze whipped through the open back door, making its way past me to the open window. This moment, right here. Spring, renewal, letting the air push all the shit off me. Memories and past dreams swept through my mind. Moments I felt this here, and when I was sleeping, traveling in a different land. It is symbolic to me of new beginnings and being proud I spoke my truth, set the boundary and followed through. Those WIN moments for me. I conquered that. Those "win" moments for me, have always been met with great opposition. My choices have not been part of the collective choice. That created a feeling a separation. Which led to a question of truth. And that was the very thing my outward world was TEACHING me during those times. That is why the memories resurface, they need exploring.
Today, I have a whole chicken with potatoes in the over for me. Today, is about me. As narcissistic and selfish as that sounds, it is. I am not allowing any drama come in and disturb my peace of mind and this steady ground I am moving back to. In this space, committed to my healing alone is exactly where I want to be. The fight to get here has been intense. I was still feeling burning embers, and I kept tossing twigs, igniting the fury of flames. Where is the injury? Where is it stemming from? My ankle.
Not long ago, after I took a nightmarish trip to the homeland of Hot Springs, I was unable to walk. Immediate teaching methods, tools in my tool bag included questions. Did you twist it? Is this from so much driving? Are you being stiff and inflexible in any way? Are needing support, but refuse to ask? Are you afraid to even ask or travel down that road of dealing with such an old injury? This old injury reared it's ugly head and snapped at me. I've been pulling in all these experiences and processing them. Analyzing my thoughts, looking at my patterns of response, understanding the "why" of it.
Here is where I need to engage. Maybe my first quest is to understand this, inside and out.