Here I Am

 I honestly felt like I was doing very well last August, into September. That is when Megan spiraled. I took a break, during this time Mike died. I hurled myself into the Christmas Specials then the Festival of Lights, easing the pain of holidays, or trying to. January hits, with more storms. Megan spirals further and looses custody of all the girls. All of the things I feared happening fell on me like tumbling blocks. Rubble. Rubble from previous ruptures. Rock by rock, pebble by pebble, I start to remove the rubble. I study it, each mineral. What is truly encompassing the mass of energy. Why is it so heavy?

I pulled all my power back within and started focusing on my health. My old physical injuries, my mental health, my emotional health. This is where I wanted to be. Looking at each of these aspects of myself and learning and relearning about them. I want to create worlds that reflect these aspects and the feelings I wrestle with there. Here is where I wanted to be. So here I am. And where exactly is "here?"

I am sitting at my newly moved desk. I have sacrificed opening both doors to the back, for a complete view of outside. Heavy sighs respond to all the work I need to get done. But, I see my yellow tulips and pink hyacinth from here. My heart smiles. I tell myself, so just go get it done. And I think I will. It will help me with where I am. Where is that?

Here I am in my "ship." I have just arrived and I see my stats appear before me. The computer is scanning, scanning and scanning. I see figures of myself, many unflattering, many I didn't know were so beautiful. It is running through my brain as the good, the bad and the monstrous ugly.