Easter Day

 Holidays bring up the emotions. The feeling of being very grateful that I am choosing how I spend my holidays now, by myself. No guilted visits, no phone calls if I don't choose, my time on my terms. I get caught up in the battle of feelings so much, that I have been discounting my wins. Things that I have been festering on, triggered anger has brought some details to the forefront, that I dismiss. I have been doing the work. For every therapist, doctor, nurse, spiritual guru, whatever, I realized it is the assumption they are coming in and projecting. Projections I have been accepting, thinking these people do their own personal work. This steroid shot has been the latest poke of awareness. I knew going into trying to work on my physical health was going to bring this. I have spent my adult life being repeatedly told by physicians, I am unhealthy. Until contrasting appointments made this very clear. 

When I finally went in to get x-rays of my ankle to find out what exactly is happening, my feeling was that I was met with disdain by the clinic. Burnt out, overworked health care just don't care. I get it, I don't fucking either, but I'm trying to work on my health here. Doing my part, and you'll do yours? Right? I originally was presented with options, deal with pain, take a steroid shot or get surgery. Those are my options. I have been dealing with the pain, and I originally I said NO to the steroid shot, and surgery? Get the fuck out of here. So, I was thinking, fine I will deal with the pain, thanks for all the hostility and waiting and go fuck yourself. Then, I stopped myself and asked, am I being "open and flexible?" So, I agreed to try to the steroid shot. About a day in, I got sick. Because I have some unfortunate past experiences with drug use, I saw quickly what was happening. 

I wasn't prepared for a world of any type of societal norms. I was prepped for a dark, horrific world of drugs, abuse and violence. So I kinda know what the fuck I am talking about here. But, I really digressed here.

Easter morning and my boyfriend (of 20 years) is heading to his family's house. It is their first Easter without his father, having just recently passed. I had, for the first time, met Derek's family. Some he had also just met. It was hella awkward for me, but I have faced worse. this wasn't a Boss fight. The oven timer just brought me back... I am baking a turkey with potatoes, why? Because I am staying home, by myself. Which everyone has thought has been so sad. Did I lean into that to be left alone? Yes. For too long, I allowed that self inflicted victimhood for one reason. I did not have a strong enough boundary with myself to speak my truth. How did this process kick off? Yesterday, when I was marinating the chicken I am about to put in the oven and slow cook all day. The smells will delight me for hours, as I turn off my phone. 

The question was brought up yesterday, (for the second time, at least.) "Did you want to go to my family's thing tomorrow?" He throws up his hands, signaling, no pressure. "You don't have to!" And in a very honest way. He never says it in a way that I feel guilt. Other than the guilt I manufacture within myself. I laughed, and said, "I am so Maris without the heiress, aren't I?" He asked, "What?" I was disappointed he missed that, because it was funny. I replied, "You know, Frasier, NILES, MARIS. She was so fragile, always flaking out, something happening." I KNOW I appear like that on the outside, and it is totally my fault. It was because I used victimhood as a crutch. I had no idea how to stand soundly in my boundaries. I had no idea how to even begin. I taught people how to treat me. I was resentful that everyone saw me as a victim. Because I was, I used that. But, I internally knew it wasn't true. That wasn't really the core of where a lot of this resentment has been stored. It all got me thinking, and then the questions rolled. 

"So what exactly do you tell your family when they ask why I don't show up for events, or rarely do?" Well, he shrugs with the obvious deep history of events everyone is in silent understanding of. That actually became Derek's and mine relationship "baggage." But, beyond that he referenced their understanding of my family and "issues." Again, my fault. I thought this was a perfect time to clear the air, since it already felt so cool blowing through my open back door. I looked at him with respect. We have been through hell and fucking back. All my fault. I own the responsibility for all the pain I brought to the relationship. I wanted to make sure he fully got it.

"You know, I want you to know, it isn't your family. They are actually lovely people. It's all people. And you know that about me, you get that. I don't know if they fully do. But, the fact that I can sit here with my ringer off, doing whatever I want, without guilt, means everything to me." I know he gets that. I'm not that girl. I have always been upfront with him about who I am. In fact, I have been pretty upfront with everyone about who I am and my truths. But, I have been repeatedly shut down. I struggled for a long while over this. I started holding anger, deep resistance, and the resentment was tremendous. There was this glaring hypocrisy that I haven't been able to define it. This duality had created a life of experiences for me that astoundingly reflected it back to me.

I know who I am now. The ugly truth is not a lot of other people do. I have not expressed my truth outwardly for various reasons. Hypocrisy has come to the forefront again for me. I need to understand it. I need to define it within myself, and connect where I am seeing it in my world. In my mind, this is one of the only ways I know how, to fix me. These are the tools in my current tool belt to take this journey.