Death and Taxes
When I was creating the areas of my life I was currently working on to better myself, finances didn't make it on any of the graphs. Rushing to meet the cutoff, taxes and finances walloped me. A day of arguing and ruminating left me in tears and too many sleep aides to stave off the stress. Old debts tied into shady business practices that I knew nothing about have been coming back to bite me already. I have been receiving more threatening letters from things I had no idea about that were in my deceased husband's name. And now, taxes.
It's frustrating watching the system and knowing the system I grew up in. It is truly ALL a RACKET. I was knocked around so hard by the system that didn't give a shit about me, along with parents, and I knew not one soul had my back. I fought through the school system on my own, foster care homes, being homeless to emancipating myself to remove myself from that family and city and release my child for adoption. When I hear people bitch about petty shit from their childhood, I wished I had such little shit to deal with. I pretty much grew up on my own, dealing with adult shit before I knew how to. I fell completely through the cracks on my education. I never attended school. Life has been different for me. And it has left me resentful. Yesterday, after a frustrating shit of being prodded at to remember shit I have no idea about pushed me over the edge.
I don't remember dates, numbers, and I have huge gaps in my memory. I don't pick up on some shit that isn't obvious to me if I am not completely tuned in. What became very obvious is that my boyfriend does not want to clean up the shit I brought into the relationship. And I don't blame him. I have been fighting for years with so much of this and it has been exhausting. He didn't sign up shady business practices from my ex, a child that would show up from a date rape 18 years prior and now grandchildren who are in foster care. He has stood beside me through all of this. Yesterday I saw on his face, he was done. He was done like I have been done. And it terrified me. It still does. I have no where to go, with an inability to open a bank account or work.
I had been trying for years to clean all this up. The emotional tolls I had to pay on all of this started cracking me. I isolate to try to get my mental health under control and along comes tax day and more shit than I have the capacity to deal with. I don't know what I don't know. I was never taught finances, I hustled. I failed math so much in college, I had to get an Applied Science degree in Graphic Design because I couldn't pass math. I forged on and still tried the University. But, didn't make it. I hustled, and got into the industry anyway. I was not at all prepared for that existence. It's been hard and I am giving my self some credit and a fucking break here, because if I don't, it won't come. I realized things outside of me were never going to stop, so I had to stop them to try to gain control.
Looking down the barrel of 50 is shaking me so hard. I am loosing elasticity in my skin. I am aging. It is hard to watch beauty fade and feel the aches and pains of the years become more evident in your bones. I'm not under the illusion that death doesn't happen. I have always been extremely aware of it. It starts looking back at you in mirrors, failed dreams and dashed hopes. I began to try to look for solace in the small things I love. I want to spend my remaining time here feeling the good. I have felt the bad for too long. I want change. I set out to create it. Now, the government. A truth I wasn't fully aware of came spewing out of my mouth yesterday in rage and anger.
"Yea, well you don't have wolves of past nipping at your goddamn heels everyday, waiting to take you down and devour you! Do you have any FUCKING idea what it takes to maintain the worry and stress of all this CONSTANTLY!" It all came pouring out of my mouth yesterday. It was the truth. This constant fear, right there, nipping at any happiness I try to create. I focus on positivity, but magical thinking doesn't stop tax day.