Anustart
Where am I currently? I was at a crossroads with disconnecting my energy and where it was being pulled against my better judgement. A steroid shot, combined with meds set off my anger and blood pressure. My health alarms were ringing. With so much death around me recently, I have become even more aware of days passing so quickly. My zeal to want to live a more beautiful life has become priority to me. I pulled the rip chord and yanked my energy back. I closed my Etsy shop and have clamped down harder on controlling the stream of incoming correspondence. Waking up further to not being loved. The memories flooded in along with the words and personal beliefs being pushed to be my truth. I am distancing myself from all the toxicity of prior life, the one that keeps hunting me down trying to drag me back into the pits of hell I clawed my way out of.
My truths and pain have been denied me all of my life by my family. It reflects poorly on them and accepting responsibility for their actions. It is easier to sweep it under the rug and deny my pain. I had compassion and forgiveness until I was made to feel diminished and my pain irrelevant. My pain and trauma is relevant. Yesterday I decided to take a break yesterday and just rest. My body was exhausted and I needed to zone out. I decided to watch some trash TV. Stuff I only watch occasionally to completely zone out. "Love is Blind" is a favorite of mine for this. It's a mixture of hilarity, love and the reality of things. I recently have become VERY aware of my inability to receive love and to trust, from people.
I love this planet. The plants, the animals, the minerals, all the beautiful things this planet holds. Humans are probably the worst thing here, yet we praise ourselves to have conquered this world. We quickly defined it and made up an entire history made up of a limited view. A very limited view. We are all waking up now to how much we have been completely hoodwinked by ourselves, and everyone around us. No one has any truth other than what they hold for themselves. This has been a running theme in life because I was never believed and am still dismissed while people who were neglectful and abusive hold their peace, believing that they did nothing wrong. The resentment of my childhood has haunted me my entire life. All of the experiences that showed me people were horrible, I turned from people. And still do.
I am watching this love series last night and the premise is Love is Blind is that people can fall in love without physically seeing another person. I listened as a guy revealed how he not been accepted in relationships because of his past. He wasn't brought up in a pristine world that jived with the upbringing of his girlfriend's world. He was shunned because of things he couldn't control. That resonated and hit me so hard in the gut that feelings came up and choked me. Running, running, running from a past that keeps catching up with me. I turn around to face it, I wrestle it and then it grabs me and tries to pull me back into the hell of I ran so far away from. I haven't been able to tell my truth because it would hurt too many people. But, my hurt never mattered. That is where the resentment really started building. I decided, to start telling my truth and the consequences are what they are. I am not to blame for the shit these people put me through, yet, they have also burdened me with the guilt and shame. I am so disgusted. I have empathy, and have had too much for people hurting me. It is now time to show myself that much empathy and caring. I can't rely on others to do that. Because they won't. And I have a very hard time trusting people. And why the hell wouldn't I?
The nasty truth is that I have always been disregarded, abused, neglected and silenced. I have been ostracized by many groups and individuals. It has been to me saving however. I have seen the nasty truth of people and how the pictures they paint the world. That is why they keep taking their brushes and smearing shit paint on paintings. And I have let them. Why? It has taken me a bit to untangle this nasty knot. Going along to get along, so I don't become a nonfunctioning mess. Dismissing my truth because it would be a fight to assert it. This was learned. Learned because when I told my mother I was being molested and had been raped, she called me a liar. She strangled me, tried to kill me, and I broke loose and ran. I remember that day because it showed me who everyone truly was. And I will never forget it. Now, I think I need to remind everyone. Not out of spite, but because I deserve to not be dismissed. This fucking illusion so many people have of my mother pisses me. She dismissed me, much like my daughter has done her daughters. All in pursuit of shitty men. These aren't even descent men. Why? That is where my inability to love came from. It hasn't been that I haven't felt attraction, it is just not common for me. I have a complete disdain for the human race for this reason. These feelings aren't going away. I can delete my blogs and try not to appear enraged and angry, but the truth is, I fucking am.
I'm resentful because I am still allowing the abuse in my life. I started distancing and cutting off avenues of discourse. Every time I start pulling away, the fuckers yank harder. Not this time, bitch. This isn't about revenge. If it was, I would have already blown apart people's worlds. This is about being true to myself and no longer denying my pain and not allowing people to dismiss me. It's about me not dismissing myself. It's about not allowing people to treat me like shit. I will not disregard myself and feelings any longer. Especially at my own expense, my truth.