Friday, November 13, 2020

So It Begins, Again.

 I was fully intending to carve out some time each week to blog. But, I usually just end up ranting on Facebook and making ridiculous videos on TikTok. I was gifted some insight, however, this afternoon. Enough of an insight that I felt was worthy enough to figure out my password to log into my blog. 

I unintentionally insulted someone today due to my rash reaction. Completely and totally my fault. It is an issue I have been devoting a lot of time to. Responding differently to situations. I mentally began drilling down deep to figure out why I responded this way? Why so rash? Irrational actually. And I realized I was holding my breath. Anxiety was taking over me, and it would go downhill from there. It is at this time that I usually medicate so my anxiety doesn't get so out of control that it tenses up all my muscles and I have a dystonia flare up and am down for a week. Yep, it happens. 

I realized it is Etsy, where I have made a living for the past ten years. My business has pretty much tanked this year since what I do is party invitations. But, it has been the years of being attacked and dealing with difficult people online that had been causing me a lot of issues. I have been very aware of these issues. As have many people around me. But, I kept asking why? What about this doing this? It's because I never know what to expect.

The only situation I can relate this feeling to is this. A relationship with an abusive narcissistic alcoholic. You believe there is no way out, it may be broken but it is still working, till it isn't. Will today be the day the abuser flips out? Will it be a good day? How much confrontation will I have to deal with? How much energy can I physically alot to dealing with this. Now that is pretty fucking bad. 

I just had a long conversation with a friend, just a couple of days ago, on this very topic: our relationships. Not to people, but to everything around us. We have relationships with our jobs, with friends, with therapists, with whomever, so the context is very broad. We have relationships to habits, drugs, emotions, etc. But, in my case here, it is regarding my relationship with "my job." My business I started a decade ago that has supported me up until this year. I had my irritations with it, I knew I was getting burned out and very stagnant. I felt this way in a lot of areas in my life though. I assumed it was just general depression. 

I have started putting other irons in the fire to remedy this relationship woes I have with my business. It just wasn't until this afternoon however, that I realized that it is toxic relationship. I never know if today will be the day I get berated, harassed, deal with people just being bat shit crazy over a font. It reminded me of past relationships where the ups and downs of moods and abuse and the constant unknowing and living in fear or walking on eggshells just damn near killed me. 

And as I dug a little deeper into this emotional scarring I came back around to medication for this. I actually have a PTSD diagnosis. And I am on medical cannabis. It is unfortunate I wiped out my blog prior to this one, there was a lot on that topic. But, I actually scrubbed a lot of my old blog because of that very thing. And here it is, yet again, resurfacing. 

Unresolved issues will always resurface. And that is the NOWPOINT. 

Dropping the mouse and not even doing a grammar/spell check. Because I am moving on.